Miss New Jersey, USA 29 years-old Single
Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML
Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML
Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML
Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML
Today, my father gave me and my sister $50 each because he got a bonus and wanted to spread it around. Then he asked for our report cards. My sister did well, but I didn't, barely scraping by on C's. After seeing my report card, he told me to give the $50 back. So, love is conditional, Dad? FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML
Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML
Today, I was working at our garage sale with my dad. I sat outside for 2 hours, talked to three people, and sold nothing. My dad came outside and got angry at me, so I told him to give it a shot. He sold 3 things to the first guy who walked in. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend skydiving for her birthday. I insisted on joining her to make it a memory for us both, despite my fear of heights. I passed out twice mid-freefall and had to be saved by the instructor both times. FML
Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML
Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML
Today, I got into my first car accident with a guy who didn't have a front license plate. Too bad it was a hit-and-run, as the cop said the footage was good enough that if he had had a license there, we could have gotten him. FML
Today, when calling out of work, I was told by my boss that I was "full of shit" before he hung up. I actually am. I haven't pooped in almost four days. FML
Today, I woke up super early to get ready for a wedding an hour away. I'm a bridesmaid, and also 8 months pregnant. The dress that fit me perfectly 3 days ago won't fit anymore. FML
Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML
Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML
Today, while cooking supper with my boyfriend, we both smelled something funny. He tasted the sauce I was making, then asked me to taste it because something was off. I guess the burned Teflon of our cheap pot mixed with Ro-Tel just doesn't work that well. Now we're having dry chicken and plain noodles. FML
Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML
Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML
Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML
Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML
Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML
Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML
Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML
Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend leaving a store. She used to ridicule me for not making much money, but I now have a good job and a BMW. Trying to show off, I cranked up the music and drove by. She looked up right as I hit a car backing out of its parking space. FML
Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML
Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML
Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML
Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML
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