Miss New Jersey, USA 29 years-old Single
Today, I got hit by a stray cantaloupe. That's not a typo. I hate my neighbors' kids with a burning passion. FML
Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML
Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML
Today, my sister got her car insurance quote in the mail. You would think it would go way up after being charged with reckless driving. It went up $1 per month. My insurance went up $100 per month after I tapped someone's bumper a year ago. I wasn't even charged. FML
Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML
Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML
Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML
Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying two minutes of my life. FML
Today, my mother-in-law told me that God won't allow me to have a baby with my husband because we're both agnostic. Yet it seems God thinks her druggie daughter can have two just because she's a Christian. FML
Today, I filed a client's tax return. His refunds alone were more than my gross annual salary. FML
Today, my friend used my phone to tag some of my overweight Facebook friends in a weight-loss video, along with the comment "Here's some motivation, fatasses!" I was able to delete the post, but not before I got a bunch of angry messages. FML
Today, I had knee surgery. I have to wear these lovely compression stockings, and going to the bathroom is really hard since I can't bend my knee at all. I ended up getting pee all over the stockings, but I can't take them off. FML
Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML
Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML
Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML
Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML
Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML
Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML
Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML
Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML
Today, while at work, I got a complaint from a guest. She complained that after spending two hours to get her hair done for a wedding, she got drenched with water from a child. I work at a WATER PARK. Thank you for calling me a pathetic asshat for no reason in front of other guests. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML
Today, I sat at work for eight hours daydreaming about the homemade four-cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending three hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML
Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML
Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML
Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML
Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML
Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML
Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML
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