Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML
Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled, "Hello?" There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer, I saw her battery was flat so I said, "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said, "Not yet." FML
Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML
Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML
Today, I took my 5 year-old son to the barbershop. When the barber had finished with him, I told the barber, "While we're here, I might as well get a trim too." My son then exclaimed loudly inside a very full barbershop, "Dad! You don't need a haircut, you need hair!" FML
Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML
Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML
Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML
Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML
Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML
Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML
Today, it was really cold and windy and I started my car before work. I locked the front door of my house and shut it behind me to leave. The wind was blowing and all my hair got shut in my locked front door... with my keys in my car's ignition. FML
Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML
Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML
Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box, "Face this side towards crowd for the best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on its side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML
Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML
Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML
Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML
Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML
Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML
Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML
Today, I was dining out with some friends when a hot guy on the table next to us smiled at me. Flattered, I smiled back at him several times. On his way out, he laid a napkin with his number at my table. I didn't notice, too busy looking at the yellow dress and the pink pumps he was wearing. FML
Today, I was trying on dresses in a stall that requires an employee of the store to have a key to open. After I took off one dress to go to another, an employee quickly opens my door, to give the stall to someone else. The entire store could see me in my granny panties and bra. FML
Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML
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