Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fundraisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML
Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML
Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML
Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML
Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML
Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML
Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML
Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML
Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML
Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML
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