Fort Lee 45 years-old Single
Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML
Today, I fell and fractured my tailbone. I just healed from my last tailbone fracture 4 weeks ago. FML
Today, a client says his new website design isn't what he expected at all and wants a full refund or else he will sue me in court. The design is exactly what he picked out when I presented the mock-ups. FML
Today, like most weekends, I got swindled into being the designated driver for our group. Too bad this weekend was my birthday. FML
Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML
Today, I attended a white elephant party at work and the box I picked had whisky and beer. Since I am a Muslim, I took it to my Christian friend's house and gave it to him. As I was walking there, I passed my imam on the street. Awkward. FML
Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML
Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML
Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML
Today, my own dog bit me quite severely when I was in the middle of teaching a dog obedience class. Everyone had a good laugh at me and in the past few hours 4 of them have contacted me to let me know they won't be attending future lessons and that they'd like to get their money back. FML
Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML
Today, my partner and I took his daughter to a museum. "I want to see the dead people!" is all she said the whole journey there. She's four. FML
Today, my extremely inebriated boyfriend casually mentioned that he wished I had a penis. FML
Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to have over 200 people show up at my house to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my husband. Apparently, this was his "I'm sorry" present for missing my wedding last year. FML
Today, I was walking hand in hand with my partner when we met a friend of mine and his two kids. We talked a bit, and his son kept staring at us. The boy then asked me: “Is he your dad?” No, my partner is simply 19 years older than me. And my Oedipus complex is fine, thanks. FML
Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at Wal-Mart. This would have been fine had he not broken up with me because he was "moving to Canada." FML
Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML
Today, after buying hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents, my transmission blew up on the interstate heading home. Now, I either have to return the gifts or not drive over 25. FML
Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML
Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML
Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML
Today one of my flatmates told the rest of us to stop using the toilet after 10pm cause he's a light sleeper and the flushing noise wakes him up. After arguing about it, he gave us his 'permission' to use the toilet, but only if we don't flush until the next day. Guess who is always the first to wake up? FML
Today, I stopped to get gas on my way to work. It snowed over the weekend, so there was mud everywhere. When I tried to jump over a giant puddle by my door on my way back into the car, I went too high, bruised my shoulder on the doorframe, and rebounded ass-first into the puddle. FML
Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML
Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML
Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML
Today, I punished my new dog for taking a shit inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML
Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML
Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML
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