Miss In a relationship
Today, my vet prescribed Xanax for my very anxious dog, because he keeps me awake all night whining and pacing. He slept soundly for about an hour, then woke up, threw up all over my carpet, and went right back to whining and pacing. FML
Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML
Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML
Today, I received a full tuition scholarship to my ideal university in the mail. This would be perfect, except I sent an email to the college 2 days earlier, informing them that I couldn't attend because of financial concerns. FML
Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML
Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML
Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML
Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML
Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML
Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML
Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML
Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares… and people wonder why I don't want kids. FML
Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML
Today, I called to see if my bridesmaid's dress was ready. They told me it had already been picked up, the bride's mom picked up the dress and got rid of it because she doesn't want me in the wedding. FML
Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML
Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML
Today, it's White Day, a tradition in Japan where men buy gifts for women. A coworker walks in with gifts, hands them out to the local women, explains the holiday to a new guy, and walks out. I'm the only person in our office who didn't get a Valentine's Day or White Day gift. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML
Today, after a lot of complaints from other members, I told an old lady at the gym I work at that she couldn't sit in the sauna naked. She responded by grabbing her boobs and shaking them in my face. I don't get paid enough for this. FML
Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML
Today, as a mascot for a pet store, I had to fake my own death to stop a little girl having a temper tantrum because she couldn't take me home. FML
Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML
Today, I'm recovering from a brain injury that occurred a few months ago. The newest challenge I'm facing is thinking the floor is moving any time there is a change in colour or texture. My house has patterned tile floors and carpet. FML
Today, I made an attempt to be nicer to customers at my job as instructed, which resulted in me listening to a handful of elderly people's incontinence issues, and a meth-addict's multiple abortions in detail. FML
Today, while at the park, my 3 year-old ran up to a lady, grabbed her chest and loudly asked, "Are these your breasts? Are they private on you too?" FML
Today, I was talking to people around school to make new friends. I met an amazing guy and we really hit it off. He was fantastic in every way, but decided to end our conversation with, "We shall meet in the afterlife!" I don't know if I should be scared or not. FML
Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML
Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML
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