Bullshitticus

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

Bass Pro Shop

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

Here, have a Turner Prize

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

Today, my friends decided to throw a going away party because I'm moving. It would have been great if I had actually been invited. FML

Pissed

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML

Today, it's the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

Nice try

Today, me and my friend were following this hot lifeguard around a waterpark. In the wave pool, I decided to be cute and "accidentally" bump into him during the waves to start a conversation. As I prepared to do this, a large wave pushed me off my feet and I fell face-first into his butt. FML

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

Gas giant

Today, while giving a lecture about gasses to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusually loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML

I spy…

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

Fuzzy perception

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her usual moaning, "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at this egg, it makes me want to throw up… It's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

Stressed out

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

Dear Raymond…

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

What?

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

That went well

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about four minutes. Then she said, "Can I have my hand back?" FML

Thievery

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

Hustlin' 24/7

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML