Miss Orange Park 30 years-old In a relationship
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML
Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated two years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML
Today, I emotionally confessed my feelings to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat myself several times. He ended up saying no. FML
Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML
Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML
Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year-old girl, for my grandpa. FML
Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML
Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML
Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML
Today, I stood up in front of the class and dropped my pen. As I bent over to pick it up, a boy in the front row loudly broke wind. I will forever be known as "that teacher who farted". FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML
Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML
Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML
Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back, the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML
Today, I got a text saying I was "banned" from a volunteer group by the vice chair. Why? Because him dumping me the night before and leaving me in the bar alone drunk and crying wasn't enough for him, apparently. FML
Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML
Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were, "I hope you have insurance". FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my little sister knocking on my door. Today's my birthday, so I thought she'd surprise me with something. Instead, she just asked me, "How's it feel to be a year older and still alone?" I just turned 20. The truth hurts. FML
Today, I was supporting my aunt as she gave birth. She was getting tired during the pushing stage, so I tried to encourage her by making a show of pushing as well with each contraction. I got a little too into it and accidentally gave birth to a little turd of my own. FML
Today, my boyfriend suddenly stopped in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML
Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML
Today, I got my driver's license. My dad made multiple copies of his insurance cards for me to give to people when I inevitably hit them. Because "Let's face it." FML
Today, I had the most excitement I have felt in the last two months when I went to a drugstore and they had my favourite bandaids. FML
Today, not thinking and being pissed off, I threw my phone in the car, making a decent sized crack in the windshield. FML
Today, a couple asked me to donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML
Today, I went to a domestic violence counseling group. I was the only male there, and I explained that my girlfriend punches me in the face in front of my kids. Everyone started laughing. FML
Today, after getting my dream job and quitting my old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML
Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year-old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
