Mr 38 years-old
Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML
Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML
Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my brother and his friends. While we were walking to the store, there was a loud snap. Everyone jumped. My bra had snapped, and I had to hold back tears of pain and pretend I was just as confused as they were, while they searched for the source of the sound. FML
Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML
Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML
Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML
Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML
Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML
Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML
Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML
Today, I realized that my manager and I have synchronized menstrual cycles. She gets extremely bitchy, and I get extremely vulnerable and emotional - she yells at me and I burst into tears. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML
Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML
Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML
Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend what she got me for my half birthday, to which she replied "A baby." She was serious. FML
Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML
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