Littlelizard2810

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

Today, I came home from work to find my computer smashed into a hundred pieces. My dad threw it at my mom because they were having a fight and my computer was the closest thing to throw. He refuses to fix it. FML

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

Go to jail, donut pass go

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fundraisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

Amazing idea, idiots

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

Psycho

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML