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I was speechless for a few seconds and just kind of stared at her, then grabbed my hair and pulled it out of her mouth and decided to stand instead. Then I took a shower! I would have said something to her but she was about 80 and from Asia, didn't really know English too well

By harry - 06/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 779

You deserved it 4 158

Skids

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry… The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 779

You deserved it 55 376

By Anonymous - 19/08/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 778

You deserved it 5 957

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 778

You deserved it 4 937

By MsConfusedd - 01/09/2012 04:30 - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year-old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 776

You deserved it 2 038

By ugh - 03/09/2013 23:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 775

You deserved it 40 948

By Anonymous - 20/04/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 774

You deserved it 4 046

By Falouila - 17/12/2008 07:15 - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 774

You deserved it 5 056

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 771

You deserved it 5 698

By dead man walking? - 04/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 770

You deserved it 2 221

By baby shak - 14/01/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 770

You deserved it 6 294

By MissMae93 - 26/04/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I've been diagnosed with a severe lung infection. This causes me to viciously hack up a lung every two minutes or so. Not only can I barely breathe as it is, my job requires lots of running around, cleaning and interacting with customers. I have a five-hour shift tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 770

You deserved it 2 465

MissMae93 tells us more.

MissMae93 23

Thursday 26 April 2012 14:39

To everyone saying I should have called in: unfortunately my work only provides about 3 sick days, which I used when I had my wisdom teeth removed. As for management, usually only one or two people are required to run the entire store (and of course, it was just me). They require much more notice and there was no one else available for the shift. Thank you to everyone with kind words and trust me, if I could have called in, I would have.