Today, I ended up taking a massive dump after being constipated for a while. I thought I was alone, so I pretended I was giving birth to my turd, and let out all kinds of sound effects. Next thing I know, I hear a knock at the door and my mom asking, "Should I call 911?" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML
Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML
Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
Misaki18 17
Was it a boy or a girl?
HeyHeyFishFillet 34
Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.
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Comments (48)
Jezzikah 11
Are you bonos mom? *hopes someone gets my South Park reference*
Rianokami 22
I got it. :)
Donnakar 20
Love it :)
Bob_Mooky 9
Lol I love that episode. I didn't expect Bono to actually BE the biggest crap O_O
Dreamcatcher1229 17
Haha, one of my favorite episodes. :) OP, it sucks that your mom was there to hear you. I know we've all done random shit when we think no one is around, and it's so embarrassing to get caught. FYL, you just did something that's human nature, no worries. :)
christyxbee 15
So... Did she scare the shit out if you then?
Misaki18 17
Was it a boy or a girl?
naznafeathers 22
OP should have said "no, but you can help me come up with a name!"
Calingaladha 21
"It's a bit early to start imposing roles on it."
Little4Bear 10
OP gave birth to a piece of shit.
HeyHeyFishFillet 34
Rule of life #562...Always make sure you're alone before you act like a complete weirdo.
cna1216 15
Shouldn't that be rule number one?
2116803 10
I dont think there should be any rules to life. If you want to make noises while pushing out your turd baby from your asshole, you have my full support
Genuine_G 8
There's one for the story book.
Mister_Triangle 21
And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I ****** that up.
Mister_Triangle 21
And the moral of the story? Slow and steady wins the... Wait, I ****** that up.
ifavela89 13
A mom that cares aww great grandchildren story later on
JtPv 14
33- Huh. A double post. Been a while since I've seen one of you.
starile 20
"Yes, your first grandchild has no face! Or arms or legs! Hurry! What do I do??" That oughta do it.
Little4Bear 10
"But it has your eyes!"
theBadGuy37 9
Congratulations!
IvyOswin 17
I really want to know if you're male, that will make this so much funnier.
CptnHowdyy 13
Of course OP is a male. We don't poop.
tyler384 6
You must be able to entertain yourself for hours lol
Bob_Mooky 9
Jeezus, don't push too hard. You'll give yourself a hemorrhoid.
martin8337 36
Or tear a spincter.
Fluffydemise 18
Take me too the hospital lady, gonna poo out a baby, pow pow pow! Have a sandwich, make a baby, have a pizza a make another three!
Fluffydemise 18
For anyone who misses the reference, a)you suck and b) look up weebl - babies :D
jayceejaco 15
Or you just failed at being funny