Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML
Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all six of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML
Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of sunscreen at the beach. FML
Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML
Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML
Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML
Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML
Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML
Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML
Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML
Today, I stopped to get gas on my way to work. It snowed over the weekend, so there was mud everywhere. When I tried to jump over a giant puddle by my door on my way back into the car, I went too high, bruised my shoulder on the doorframe, and rebounded ass-first into the puddle. FML
marcranger tells us more.
marcranger 29
OP here. The only additional points I haven't covered in my responses are: 1. I have a high-clearance SUV and low athletic ability. Since I managed to jump high enough to hit the top of the doorframe, I was pretty impressed with myself once I cleaned up! 2. This is my third published FML. 2 out of 3 have taken place at gas stations. This is clearly a sign that I need to sell my car and move to...uh...somewhere that doesn't have cars or something.
Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML
Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML
Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML
Today, I had to pull chunks of digested blanket out of my dog's ass because she refuses to listen to me when I tell her not to eat the damn blanket. I can't stop smelling it. FML
LPS8585 tells us more.
LPS8585 26
OP here, firstly, there's a lot more to the story than I could fit in 300 characters. The dog that are the blanket is actually my well behaved one. She hardly ever eats anything. She didn't eat the whole blanket. Just chunks of it. She was in her kennel at the time because it's been raining and she's chosen to play in the mud. I'm renting a house with white carpet and I've also had to wash my sheets multiple times in one day due to the mud. So as soon as she comes inside, she goes in her kennel (if she's muddy. If she's not both dogs chill with me). She actually did stop chewing the blanket and started chewing her chew toy. She is a puppy. 7-8 months old, but she's not the hellraiser, the other one is. She was able to poop half of it out on her own, but she was running around with blanket coming out of her ass, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It was also 11 at night and the area I'm in doesn't have a 24 hour vets office. At this point, I think she's about to start going into her first heat cycle and this can cause dogs to have abnormal behavior. This was a first time thing and it won't be happening again. The reason there's a blanket in the kennels, is because I like my dogs to be comfortable.
Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML
Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML
Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML
Today, I was, once again, yelled at by multiple tourists because I don't speak their language, even though they could neither speak English or Norwegian. They also yelled at me for not accepting Euros. Norway is not a part of the European Union. FML
hemiol tells us more.
hemiol 30
Because I do understand some of the languages of the tourists who usually come through. I usually get by with a couple of words here and there, some Norwegian and English, but some tourists just don't bother to even try. Usually it's fine, and everybody's happy, but every day I meet at least one asshat who turns to yelling in stead of being a bit patient.
Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML
Today, a coworker accidentally drank my coffee and made me more in an identical mug, placing it back like nothing happened. Thanks to all the sucralose in the not-my-soy creamer she used, I'm still on the can. It's midnight. FML
boopingsnoot tells us more.
Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML
Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML
Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML
BlueBaronBitch tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here, really glad that this was my first FML to be published :) I guess I should fill in the plot holes here, yes the house was dark, she came through my porch door and through the dining room, which the creaking in the floor (as my dining room floor is known to be obnoxiously creaky) is what alerted me to think of an intruder. I was in my room on the second floor and there is a wall blocking my vision of the dining room once I get down, so when I got down I peeked the corner and just went at it at the human-ish form. Ended up fracturing one of her ribs, would have been worse if my boyfriend was home and he was the one doing the hitting. Family thinks I'm responsible because "I should have recognized it was my sister" but sorry if I hear someone breaking into my house I'm not going to sit down and have a nice chat and tea before deciding to do something. My family was in on it, and they're still trying to get me to pay, but I'm not budging on the fact that I was just trying to defend myself. Hope I explained it pretty well, thanks to everyone who helped get this published :)
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