Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML
Today, I took my two-year-old out to dinner. During dinner, our son went to the bathroom three times. As we were getting ready to leave he kept saying he had to go potty. He had gone multiple times, so I thought he would be fine. As he stood up, a giant turd fell on the floor in front of everyone. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML
Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML
Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML
Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML
Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML
Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML
Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML
Today, as I was taking a time out to decompress after a fight with my boyfriend, I woke up from a nap to discover him making plans to move me and our cats back to New York. I moved over 1300 miles to be here and we own a house together. Today is our anniversary. FML
CrazyCatPlushie tells us more.
Hey, im the OP! i finally got an fml posted. this might be a bit long. my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. he moved down here to work in the oil industry and i had followed suit about 8 months later. i suffer from depression and anxiety, moving away from my support system back home was hard but i also left behind a toxic home environment so that was a plus. the thing that bothered me the most was that when i excused myself to calm down so i could come back and talk it out; i found that he took it upon itself to discuss a plan to send me back and our relationship issues with his friend which hurt. we dont fight all that often and we have discussed counseling in the past. i guess it was just a shock that he went to the most extreme option first. my cats are doing well to those who asked
Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML
Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML
Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML
Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML
Today, I stumbled upon a slightly drunk neighbor, trying to type in the entry code with his penis. FML
Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML
Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML
Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML
Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML
Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML
Today, "What kind of penises do you guys have?" wasn't even the weirdest thing I've heard my elderly female co-worker say this morning. FML
mercumorr tells us more.
mercumorr 20
OP here! It was in no way meant as harassment and definitely wasn't a serious question towards anyone! And no, it's not a sex shop! We manufacture eye wear :) For those asking for the weirder things: 1. A 36 year old man asked me out twice 2. The same man has been fired and escorted out by police for parole violations (convicted of owning/distributing child **** a few years ago, if you're interested) 3. An old woman has bent a young black man over a table and spanked him with a ruler 4. Found out that the nice, grandfatherly old man actually says creepy sexual things about the young girls he finds attractive. My favorite being, "I need some bubble wrap to hide my woody" 5. Gotten asked if I wear my beanie during sex because no one has seen me without my hat since my first day 6. Found a LARGE clump of pubic hair in a bathroom stall. Someone was actually trimming their pubes at work. 7. Recently had the bathrooms soundproofed because you could hear people having violent diarrhea from the conference rooms right next door. Guess it ruined the CEOs' catered meetings a little too often. 7. Heard a mentally challenged man frequently discuss popping his blow up dolls, **** preferences, and how he sometimes gets the urge to ********** in the bathroom. Still employed with us, but thankfully got transferred downstairs to the lab. 8. Heard a couple guys make sexual comments about the woman who delivers the mail to each department, not knowing that she is actually my mother 10. A guy came in on heroine and took dick pics on the elevator. While someone was right next to him. I left quite a few out to keep this from going on too long, but there's some of my favorites. I find most of these things pretty funny and I don't wanna be the reason anyone loses their job, so I don't plan on reporting anything!
Today, I had to sit beside this crazy man on the bus. After trying to ignore his ranting about being the Messiah, he suddenly stood up and cursed me as Satan, loudly screaming that he won't be tempted by my devilish ways. FML
Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I blanked the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "Medicine man." FML
Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML
Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML
Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML
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