Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML
Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML
Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML
Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML
Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML
Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML
Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML
shavednipples tells us more.
Hey y'all! Just to clarify, my brother is the same age as me (we're twins). When I told him I wasn't going to like his post (it was just a video of a fireworks show), he took a chicken breast and slapped me. We were preparing chicken for dinner that night, so it was already out and thawed. I did end up getting salmonella, however, I'm not sure if it was from the slap or from eating the chicken itself at dinner. Either way, it was shitty. Also, about my username, I use it for a lot of social media accounts and I've had this account for a while. I know if you don't have an account, you can choose a name to post it under and it usually has to do with the post, but that wasn't the case here. Cheers!!
Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML
Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML
Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML
Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML
Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML
Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML
Today, I gave my boss two weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML
Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out of the blue and with complete seriousness, he asked me if I want kids anytime soon. This wouldn't be odd if we weren't both 14 years old. FML
Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML
Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML
codyolimason tells us more.
codyolimason 12
Hey guys it's OP I'm honestly surprised this was published considering its my first FML, but that's besides the point and for those of you if you're curious my dog is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel named Bella. I was with the guy for about a year and 8 months and he had always been the sweetest. To all the people who are saying he broke up with me because of other reasons, he broke up with me about a week after he asked me to move into his apartment and he realized I had a dog(even though he has met her on multiple occasions) I guess I should mention I had just arrived with a moving truck to move my stuff in. So I don't know what other reason it could have been. So I should clarify that it was technically my new place. I left the dog at the apartment while I went back to my previous apartment to see if it was possible to get it back, and I had no where else to put her because all of my family lives about 800 miles away and this happened when most people were at work so I couldn't ask my friends. I also wasn't going to leave my dog in the car with all this heat. I asked my ex if she could stay while I went back to my previous apartment and he said it was okay as long as I got her before he had to leave for work(which is understandable). And to those who offered comments about how I could get her back, THANK YOU for the input. I did rescue her and have had her about 2 years, so I do have documents from the vet, stating she is mine. She is also a registered therapy dog so I have all the registration paperwork for that.
Today, my professor called me out for drinking whiskey in class. I was actually drinking iced tea. FML
Imagino1234 tells us more.
Imagino1234 12
OP here. Most of the time, students like me have been able to get away with bringing food and drinks to class as long as 1) we don't make a huge mess. 2) we don't bring anything alcoholic (unless it's a final class celebration thing, but even then there's more food than wine). 3) we stay away from the computer labs. If we weren't allowed to bring food and drinks to class, there would be a lot of tired and cranky people who would wonder why there are so many coffee stands on campus if no one's allowed to bring something caffeinated to perk them up in morning classes. In case anyone's wondering, I was drinking raspberry flavoured Real Leaf iced tea; it's a popular brand on campus, so I even I'm confused why my prof didn't recognize it as iced tea.
Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML
Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes coworkers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML
Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML
Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML
Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML
Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML
Today, I had to console my bawling 6-year-old son and explain that his sister was lying when she told him that when boys in our family turn 13, they turn into girls. I'm not sure who disappoints me more right now. FML
Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML
Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML
Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML
Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML
Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML
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