Today, I found out that my crush of a few years likes me. How? Her boyfriend told me, followed by a punch in the face. FML
Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML
Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML
Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML
Today, I was studying when a tremendous crash of glass sounded from the other room. Was it a burglar? Nope. The cat had tried to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the cabinet, missed, and slammed into the cabinet's glass door. FML
Emmereen tells us more.
Emmereen 29
OP here. My cat was not hurt, thankfully. He briefly looked a bit shaken, and then felt the need to be underfoot while I cleaned up the glass. He's made that jump before and since, though nowadays a tall cat tree seems to satisfy his desire to launch himself to great heights.
Today, while working at the bar, I accidentally spilled a beer on my chest. Several drunk men whistled and seemed to enjoy what they saw so much that they bought even more drinks and started coming onto me. My boss asked if I could do it again on my next shift. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML
Today, my boyfriend's dad's new girlfriend gave me a bar of soap, a sequin dress covered in her body odor, and a child-sized used Coach purse that smells like feet. She insists that I wear this outfit to their New Years Eve party. I gave them a bottle of expensive olive oil and a vinegar set. FML
Porkletmon tells us more.
OP here. I didn't create an account because I didn't think this would get posted. Thanks for making my day! I just wanted to clarify some things, especially about the olive oil and vinegar gift set. The father is Italian and appreciates a good bottle of vinegar and oil, I'm not talking about the regular kinds you can get at the supermarket, but olive oil that is cold pressed and infused with rosemary herbs, the vinegar is infused with dark espresso and they both gushed about it. Now, about the soap, it is not "fancy" or thoughtful, it was a square bar of soap (think Dial) in a Ziplock bag, the soap had no wrappings. Had I not notice the foul odor coming from the armpit area of the dress, I would have agreed that the dress probably just absorbed some of the smell from her house, but in this case, I highly doubt it. Also, the dress tag was put in through a thread loop, not through the fabrics, and the tag was already yellowed with stains. The Coach leather bag itself had a strong leather smell, but what I smelled was something resembling sweaty feet, the purse had dried white stains on it and parts of the leather was scratched up. Needless to say, you won't see me wearing any of those things on New Years Eve. Happy Holidays everyone!
Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML
Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a choice of having a circumcision or breaking up with her. Either way I'm going to lose something I hold dear. FML
Today, I was scrolling through a bunch of old posts that my boyfriend's ex had posted about me on Facebook from a fake account she used to stalk and harass me for months. It was then that I figured out that one of my friends and my mother had been helping her the whole time. FML
koreageis tells us more.
OP here. I made an account just to give everyone more details. This girl and I were friends a loooong tine ago and stopped being friends for many reasons. Well, when she was dating my boyfriend she cheated on him and he left her. Over a year later, I started dating him after she gave me her blessing and told me about her new fiancé and kid on the way and about how happy she was. A year later I find the fake account under a different name filled with posts about me, my love life and about how awful we did her. One post blatantly said that my mother called her all the time mocking me and giving her my personal info so she can stalk me even more. I also found many comments where my mom asked her to text her or call her and many comments from my friend, who is someone I've known for four years but talk to every now and then, talking about me as well. Apparently both of them pretended to be on my side while they helped her stalk me, my boyfriend and roommate. This girl found out who I was living with, where I was living and even knew everything about my love life because of my mother. I've deleted all my social media, including my Facebook just to get this girl off my back. My mother denied everything, didn't apologize and hasn't attempted to speak to me since. I last spoke to her about a month ago, more or less.
Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML
Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML
Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML
Today, I found my high school crush on Facebook. He asked me out. Too bad he's fat and bald now. FML
Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML
Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML
Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML
Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML
Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML
Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML
Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML
Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to get into an open relationship. He has no romantic feelings for me anymore, but he didn't want to separate from my cat. FML
Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML
Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML
Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML
Today, my mother started fostering a child to make some money. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she didn't make me babysit the kid and take him to and from school every day because she's "too busy". I work full-time and she's unemployed. FML
Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML
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