Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML
Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML
Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML
Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML
Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML
Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML
Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me because I don't think she is pretty enough since I "wanted it to be over so fast". FML
cemakara3 tells us more.
cemakara3 11
Hey OP here. I showed my gf some of the comments on here and she is not mad anymore. Thanks!!
Today, the chronic nerve inflammation in my right arm decided to come back with vengeance. Anti-inflammatory drugs don't help me anymore and the school year hasn't even started yet. I'm studying illustration. FML
Zivc tells us more.
Zivc 3
OP here :) Had to make an account to say - thank you! Talked to my mother and it seems she also has her nerve pinched at the elbow so I guess I inherited it. Unfortunately, looking at my chosen field :P And I've already spent 3 years studying, I am definetly NOT giving up now just because of some stupid uncooperative arm. Also because university here is free, but only if you finish it on the first try. You get one extra year if you want to change fields or fail a year or whatever, but that's it. Everything else you have to pay. Unfortunately I already spent my extra year due to unrelated medical reasons. Oh well...
Today, there's a new freshman at my school that looks exactly like me. Whenever we see her, my friends shout "Twinzies!" I don't have anything against her, but I'm bummed because I'm a male senior. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML
Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML
Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML
Today, my new roommate moved in. One of the first conversations we had began with her asking where I wanted her to put my menstrual cup, which I had absentmindedly left in the bathroom sink. FML
attak_fml tells us more.
Hey guys! OP here. First of all: yay, one of my submissions finally made it! So, to clear some things up: 1. The fml is obviously about me being embarrassed to death that this happened. I wanted to make a good first impression and I was so nervous and I forgot to put the cup away. It's defiantly not about me thinking she made an unreasonable request or anything. 2. The cup was emptied and thoroughly cleaned. I had left it on the edge of the sink to dry off before putting it away and I accidentally forgot about it. She saw that and was fine with touching it, so it wasn't really something disgusting, just a very, very unfortunate thing to happen on our very first day of living together. 3. This happened a while ago, and neither I or my roomie think it's a big deal. We're both fine with, you know, women occasionally not covering up all evidence of having their period once in a while. It was just incredibly embarrassing and awkward when it happened, but now we're all good! :) Cheers!
Today, I was so nervous about a medical exam I was about to take, that I misspelled my own first name. It only has three letters. FML
Today, I received the honorary title of "Student of the Month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML
Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML
zachjm98 tells us more.
OP here!! Wow, thanks for the funny comments, guys! If I knew this would have gotten featured so quickly I would have made an account beforehand! Anyways, quick follow-up: This "class" of mine is actually a co-op program in music for songwriting/recording/touring which I'm doing a second time now. My teacher knows me well, the student in question is my best friend and her father found the incident to be quite funny actually. All is good!
Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML
Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML
Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML
Today, I'm working an 8-hour shift on less than 3 hours of sleep. In order to stay awake, I chugged 3 Red Bulls. Now I can't feel my face. FML
mmlncwdr tells us more.
mmlncwdr 9
Hey, OP here! I can't believe this got published! These comments are great, I've been laughing for the last 20 mins. So to clear things up a bit, no 8 hours on less than 3 hours of sleep is not that bad, to an adult, I am 16 and have an anxiety disorder. The pills I take make me extremely drowsy, and I also happened to have a three hour practice that same night. I went directly from work to practice so the 3 Red Bulls were necessary. I will not be doing that again in the near future seeing as I could feel my heart beating in my chest all afternoon. And before I go, I did love it?? thanks everyone for the comments!
Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML
Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML
Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML
Today, due to summer Ramadan, we have 16 hour long fasts. Normally this is okay, except today I managed to sleep through both suhoor and iftaar. I haven't eaten for 36 hours. FML
r1has tells us more.
r1has 28
For everyone telling me to break my fast, had it actually been a problem and had I actually been sick, I would have broken it. But since I'm on summer vacation, I fell asleep, making it a lot easier to deal with. So while I was really hungry, it wasn't a health risk. I checked. God doesn't want you to kill yourself, just feel the pain of the poor and needy. And #3 pregnant women, menstruating women, nursing mothers, old people, sick people, kids e.t.c aren't supposed to fast. They can either make them up later or give in charity, if they are able to. If they aren't then no big deal. Plus puking, bleeding or fainting automatically breaks your fast, so even if I had gotten dizzy, I would have broken it. It was just kind of a miserable day because I get kinda pissy when I'm hungry, and I was snapping right and left. Thankfully my family understood, and made sure I woke up and had food the next day
Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML
Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML
Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML
Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
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