Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML
Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML
Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML
Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML
Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said, "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded, "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, I asked the iguana to paint his cousin, the chameleon. He nailed it. Smartass. FML
Today, I was carrying my four-month-old son in a checkout line. An older couple behind us remarked that I would spoil my son if I carried him everywhere. My son responded by projectile vomiting all over the wife, then looked at me and giggled. FML
Pandamomma tells us more.
hi. OP here. I said FML because I ended up having to apologize and act as if I was sincere. I failed miserably and ended up laughing hysterically. I did feel a little bad.
Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied, "Oh, that's just a myth." FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML
Today, a pervert was visibly playing with himself right next to me on the train. Then on the bus. Then on the other bus I changed to in order to lose him. At least somebody's interested. FML
Today, I drove to the airport and parked in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly, as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML
Today, I was awoken by my grandparents making love, as they shook the camper in which my cousin and I were sleeping. FML
Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML
Today, I sent my daughter to her dad's house for the week. She decided to pack my remotes and most of my clothes and shoes, in an effort to make me come get her as soon as I noticed. FML
Forever_Cursed tells us more.
Im the OP!! Glad this got accepted but to clarify some things nothing is going on in his home. She is just being a drama queen because he lives in a middle class home and I live in the suburbs . She doesn't like being there because " the demon spawns" also known as her brother and sisters are there and she is the oldest. She also doesn't have her own room at his house like she does at mines.
Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML
Today, at school, after returning from a very serious operation, a group of bullies stole something I got during my recovery - my new prosthetic leg. I still have no idea where it is. FML
Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML
Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML
Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML
Today, during a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she didn't know we were actually dating. FML
Today, the city finally turned the water on to my new home after waiting for 2 months. This is how I found out that someone had stolen the copper water pipes from under my house. FML
Chelsea Schattner tells us more.
My first published fml! Hey everyone a little back story. The copper pipes where in the crawl space under the house. Easily accessible to everyone. The house sat empty for 9 years and was built in the 1940's with very little updates. I am remodeling it and thankfully there is home owners insurance on it. I am still out a chunk of money but not as much. The water was only on for a few minutes. The city turned it on and I opened the sink valve to no water. I could hear it but had no water. I crawled under the house and found the main cut off flush to the ground and all the copper gone. We turned off the water and called the cops and insurance. Damage total: $3,500.00
Today, my boyfriend showed me his need for speed. It was amazing, except he showed it to me with my new car while running away from the cops. FML
horriblelife3006 tells us more.
Hi guys OP here! And I'm so excited as this is my first published FML! So I'm here to clarify some things! #1 - Yeap luckily I wasn't in the car at the time it happened but I did saw it from a distance. And many of you have asked for me to break up with him but I didn't as he did not commit a serious offence! He was rushing to the hospital as his Mother was ill and he was in such a state of panic that he didn't knew he was speeding so I apologise if it's confusing but at the time that I was posting This, I did not know about why he was speeding! Perhaps I should have said speeding away from the cops instead of running away! So I do hope it clarified any issues! Do continue to leave more comments and I will get back to you guys later! Thank you!
Today, I overheard two classmates wondering who Joan of Arc was. They agreed among themselves that she had to be the wife of Noah. We're in college. FML
Emmereen tells us more.
Emmereen 29
It didn't sound like they were, but I suppose I can give them the benefit of the doubt.
Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML
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