Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML
Sharing is caring
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML
Old prude
Today, my dumbass self left my DIY dildo on the sink and my mom found it and threw it away. She called me a whore, who'll be "fucking around with a new partner each night." FML
Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart-to-heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML
Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML
Great chat!
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML
Oh no.
Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML
Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML
Top comments
austincain117 16
I guess having a ***** is a dildont ha get it? no... okay...
emissy 14
I, personally, would not touch someone else's *****
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Comments (213)
austincain117 16
I guess having a ***** is a dildont ha get it? no... okay...
ShadowPsychosis 4
If your comment had ended at "dildon't" you probably wouldn't be getting down voted. Nobody likes a try hard.
TahoeFMler 22
I laughed. And thumbed up, sorry that there are only a few of us cornballs!
nevm 12
Oh the irony #29
bloodwhiterabbit 8
Nobody likes an asshole either.
T_Young96 13
Obviously she didn't get good vibrations about it. Get it? Get it? Oh cum on!!
rizzle54 1
????
ShadowOpsV4 13
If anyone was here when this was posted right away it had like 9 downvotes lol
gameover18 17
That was bad.
kimeatszombies 22
People either hate the cheesy jokes, or find them strangely hilarious. I found it strangely hilarious, by the way.
ThePols 11
Easy there, Abrocrombie. Maybe sit these next few plays out.
Mossy93 8
someone can't read #141
Octwo 16
It's not about not liking cheesy jokes, but ending an obviously bad joke with: "no? ok..." does not magically make it funny. It's annoying so many people think it does, especially when a few would have been genuinely amusing otherwise.
Fishin_for_Coins 7
A comment so stupid,that it is hilarious.Well done.
johnrdz3 24
your mom beat your meat
emissy 14
I, personally, would not touch someone else's *****
Classy_Sassy_15 15
I agree and I wonder how old she is to have a ***** and live with her mother
wallamanut 14
Yeah, looks like somebody's been playing to much Saints Row.
nix1993 41
#23 I wasn't aware there was a minimum age for owning a *****.
ShadowPsychosis 4
#23 it's not that uncommon for people to live with their parents well in to their 20's now given the state of the economy and housing market.
Metal_Chick 15
#23 I don't live with my mother but when she visits she starts going through my shit like she owns the place. Some parents are just plain nozy; so lets not jump to conclusions about OP.
nicievans 9
#23. OP may not be a she. Gender isn't stated on this post.
tdawg91 17
Well if she's still a teenager, don't you think it's better to have a ***** rather than multiple sexual partners? Masturbation is the safest sex
llalala_fml 19
So #22 at 15 years old are you living on your own already or do you feel you are too young to own a *****?
6pointstuntin 12
uhhhh daaaa how old do u hav to be to purchase any sex toy?
Dlzq 22
That's.. I'm not sure. I don't understand her anger, though, it's not like it's a bad thing.
gunzerker 8
maybe it's because it's a guy??
ShadowPsychosis 4
Maybe she's very religious, Catholics especially don't allow sex or masturbation, it's a sin to them.
Adeptus_Astartes 22
@28 I didn't know ****** had genders.
McNikk 15
@35: A sin to have sex? Like at all? How do you think they reproduce?
patrickeli 15
So, gays shouldn't be allowed to own ******? Is that what you're insinuating?
dman1997 5
Pre-marital sex is a sin, once they get married it's ok.
Kielnmsoftly 26
It's not the mom's life so she shouldn't get to force religion down her kid's throat if that's the case. I'm Christian but can't stand that type who forces you to be.
foxwasalamb 24
catholics also view sex as only an act of procreation. it is not for fun, or to feel good.
Tinad01 12
#3, its a sin ********** or have sex outside of marriage for all Christians not just Catholics
zBLAKEz 23
Well then Catholics are really missing out.
Sports_guy3 28
But that's none of my business.
NLM22 14
my family claims to be catholic... and every single one has sex before marriage.... how do I know (all my aunts and uncles had kids before wedding).... they don't even go to church on sundays.... let alone read the bible.... all they do is abstain from eating meat on Fridays during lent... aaaaaaa what family right
chocolatelvr 5
Actual catholic here- I don't actually agree with most of the teachings on sex but just for other people's reference 1. Yes, Catholics do see sex before marriage or masturbation as a sin 2. Its true that Catholics think all sex should be aimed towards procreation-that's one of their reasons for seeing gay people as sinners- but technically sex is for three reasons- for enjoyment, to bond with your partner, AND for procreation- if all three aren't there, then it's a sin 3. Plenty of Catholics don't actually follow that shit it's just "official church doctrine" (I'm a gay catholic lol) but yes a traditional catholic would have a problem with their kid owning a ***** - although if said Catholic actually listened to the bible they would know that Christ preached nonviolence and hence they probably shouldn't hit their kid either...
zBLAKEz 23
Damn, I'm so glad I wasn't raised Catholic... I don't mean this in an offensive way, I just don't think I would've made it through my teenage years if I couldn't **********. Wouldn't you get the worst blue balls ever? How would you not just explode?
ZoroMiHawk 25
@55 Only if you're a religion fanatic and have been brainwashed with god fairytales since you were young that you have no option but to believe without question what you were taught.
jlmedina 3
It's a sin to them to do anything sexual related before marriage and to a lot of them it doesn't matter if there married or not masturbation is seen as dirty and not to be done
Diarrhea_Volcano 29
A man-*****
riddle143 15
I find it ironic that 140 wants to criticize religion from an "intellectual" standpoint and in doing so either proved their lack of grammatical skills, low vocabulary, or both. - A *religious* but non-fanatical Christian not brainwashed with "God fairytales" (or any fairytales for that matter) from birth. But honestly this is a site for humor, can't we just keep the snide atheist comments and the bible-beater rhetoric off of here? Not complaining about the sincere attempts at education but anything else from the religion side takes it too far.
MortenM 17
At least she beat you with your *****...
DedicatedNova 13
Unfortunate for the ***** as well. They aren't made to be beat.
lnheritance 19
They are made to take a pounding though.
ElmoTouchesMe 4
#40 don't you mean they're made to give a pounding? ;)
FBellesLife 15
Does she rather you have a real **** possibly giving you STD's or getting you pregnant? FYL OP, I kind of laughed when I read the FML though haha
patrickeli 15
Didn't expect that kind of beating from the *****, did you?
minesbiggerr 25
YDI for leaving it out in the open if your mom didn't know about it
kieralumina 30
what if the mom was snooping?
sunnyray812 42
Parents are capable of going through their child's belongings....
astralvagan 20
No where in the fml does it say she had it in the open...
kaceyma 5
so she deserved what could basically be defined as abuse?
JacobFrench 16
it's not like she can see into the future
6pointstuntin 12
then it waznt hidden good enough
redneckfrankie 13
my parents have always said that if I'm not paying rent, it's their house, their room and they have every right to see what is in their house.... it pissed me off as a teenager, but now I understand and that will be the rule with my kids, no matter how old they are.
royal_ranger 12
Dildon't
warsun 27
You completely took that from the first comment
royal_ranger 12
It wasn't intentional. I don't read the comments. I just read the FML post then i post my own comment. Didn't realize it till you commented.
jonjonguapito 15
OP's mom was mad because OP is a guy.
cherry_popper69 11
What's wrong with it being a guy?
crack229 19
it's gay