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OP here. Look, there are LOTS of choices I *could* make, many of which have been offered here. There's nothing inherently wrong in a lot of the suggestions - they're just not suggestions I'm interested in following, honestly. I love my wife. I don't love anyone else; finding another outlet or a replacement for my beloved just isn't something I'm interested in. It's not that she's unsympathetic, necessarily, as much as it's just not something she can do or address; she has her own issues, and they're a big deal to both of us. I can't talk to her about it, because of her issues - it's just too much pressure on her, and I'm not willing to put that on her. I'd far rather bear the burden of my own problems than put them on her. Thanks for the empathy and comments.

By avocadotoe - 14/11/2016 06:52 - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 224

You deserved it 3 132

Controlling

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom tried telling me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 902

You deserved it 596

Too many JCS videos

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 389

You deserved it 7 991

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 17:02

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 001

You deserved it 2 173

Potty drama

By NeverEndingBathtime_ - 03/08/2017 20:00

Today, my two year-old is being potty trained. He got the gist of it and actually did #1 and #2 in the potty and after our little celebratory dance, I went to get him a cookie (which took me two seconds). I come back to see him covered in shit and pee because he tried to go empty the potty himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 775

You deserved it 1 103

By NaurLalaith - 10/08/2016 16:26

Today, I bought an iPhone SE, so my mom decided to sell my old iPhone 5 on Craigslist. Since the 5 and SE look exactly the same, she ended up selling my SE instead of the 5 for $100. The buyer refuses to give it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 051

You deserved it 2 131

House rules

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 22:00

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 1 274

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 924

By BloodyHands - 17/12/2017 15:00

Today, my coworker and I were written up after we dropped a glass table, which shattered and left us with big cuts on our hands and arms. We weren’t written up for breaking the piece, but because a nearby customer heard us both swear in pain and reported us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 474

You deserved it 333

By Anonymous - 11/07/2016 07:58 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 389

You deserved it 3 592

By BakedBat - 21/02/2014 04:10 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 014

You deserved it 4 445

By feckingnasty - 26/01/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 665

You deserved it 472

Great plan, asshat

By deanlazore - 23/06/2016 03:09 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 643

You deserved it 2 046

By Chat - 04/03/2018 19:00

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 958

You deserved it 745

Catch you later

By Rescheduled - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 375

You deserved it 1 101

Pipe down, Brenda

By Anonymous - 20/05/2016 19:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 012

You deserved it 1 528

Small world

By ShouldICallYouDaddy - 30/04/2016 11:49 - United Kingdom - Grantham

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 384

You deserved it 2 433

By shit - 28/04/2016 11:05 - United States - Colonial Heights

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 962

You deserved it 8 174

Kinky Crab

By Robert Herrin - 14/08/2018 18:30

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 2 156

Classic

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 23:01

Today, I caught my sister in bed with my girlfriend. I’m not sure what’s worse, the cheating, the fact I’ve never managed to make my girlfriend moan like that, or the fact this is the second girlfriend she’s stolen from me in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 748

You deserved it 353

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Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was OK, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 826

You deserved it 7 272

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 199

You deserved it 3 430

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 106

You deserved it 13 584

Today, at work, someone peed in the fitting room, after I told her she could not use the employee toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 526

You deserved it 3 202

Today, another typical interaction with my ex-wife, which is always fun. Her: "Thank you for the e-transfer. When do you get back today?" Me: "Drop the kids off after 4." Ex-wife: "Sure. You could treat me with decency instead of acting like a controlling dictator." Eight more years of nonsense. I sure can pick 'em. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324

You deserved it 966

Today, I told my boyfriend I was getting him the “best surprise ever” for our anniversary. It turns out that we'd had the exact same idea, and bought each other the same pair of matching socks with each other's faces on them. I guess we both got the same damn ad in our Instagram feeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129

You deserved it 450