Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML
Today, I had building maintenance come look at my water heater because my shower wasn't getting hot. He went over to my shower and turned the handle the other way, and I now had hot water. I've been taking cold showers for 2 months because the plastic water temp indicator was put in backwards. FML
Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML
Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML
Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the third time." I had no idea. FML
Today, one of my residents was having super loud sex. I'm an RA in a college freshman dorm, and I had to knock on her door and tell her to quiet down. I hate to be a cock-block, but she woke multiple people up, myself included. I live 4 doors down the hall from her. FML
Today, as a mascot for a pet store, I had to fake my own death to stop a little girl having a temper tantrum because she couldn't take me home. FML
Wolf6661 tells us more.
Wolf6661 22
OP here, to fill in the gaps the little girl was about 8 maybe 9 and the parents did try and stop her but it wasn't working, so I felt they needed a hand. To answer the questions of how she reacted, well after she poked and prodded my "dead body", let's just say my ears are still ringing from her shrill little scream of outrage at my "death". Alright well have a nice day y'all taco taco burrito.
Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML
Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML
Today, I was fired. For no reason, at all. Literally. And it's totally legal. Thanks to my state being an "at will" employment state. FML
axon Impulse tells us more.
OP, here. To clarify, there honestly was no reason for my dismissal. I did not sign anything, I had absolutely NO disciplinary actions against me, I did very well for the company (my position actually made money), and there was no "glaring personality flaw" (though, for me to insist that, I recognize the irony in not acknowledging my shortcomings, but I also have taken a true, objective stand back and reflected on this, and I am at a total loss as to what happened). Towards the end, the CEO and I we're not exactly seeing eye-to-eye, but I was not insubordinate and the company owners loved me. When I asked for a reason, I was told there was no reason, and even the paperwork submitted to the unemployment office stated there was no reason. So, in short, There. Was. No. Reason. This has been very difficult for me to wrap my head around and it has been hard trying to pick up the pieces. I honestly reflect every single day on what I did and what I can learn from this and how I can improve and move on. I have not had any closure and I have done my best to accept this and move forward with confidence. Thanks for the support from most of you, but also thanks for the reality slap from the rest of you. It reminds me that world may be cruel, but that I will still strive to be the best that I can be despite how others try to tear me down. I hope no one else has to experience this. Take care, FML family.
Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML
Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML
Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML
Today, I went on a coffee date. My date blew his nose on a discarded napkin, smoked half of my cigarettes despite "giving up", chewed tobacco at the table and casually invited a friend to join us. His friend spat out his tobacco and poured cough syrup into his coffee. I'll pass on a second date. FML
Vee94 tells us more.
OP here! (I didn't have an account when I submitted this..) Yeah this was a weird, uncomfortable experience for me. I've had dates which were boring or which I wasn't into (and vice versa) but there's nothing quite like watching someone fish out chewing tobacco from their gums and plonk it in a coffee cup while telling you that your eyes are pretty... This was a really nice, upmarket coffee shop and I cringed horribly when one of the servers came to take away the cup, wad of chewed up tobacco and snot-covered napkin and all. Shortly after the friend arrived and poured cough syrup into his espresso, I excused myself... and I declined the request for another meeting. But I still haven't gone back in that coffee shop. Nor have I been brave enough to go on any more dates.
Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up in sleep paralysis, hallucinating the sight of children hanging from the ceiling. Now I'm scared to sleep. FML
Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML
Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML
Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML
Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML
Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML
Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML
Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML
Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML
Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML
Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. It was painful, but not as painful as my boyfriend asking afterwards: "Um... did you use to be a guy?" FML
hellolaina tells us more.
hellolaina 18
And to answer everyone's question, no I didn't use to be a guy. And yes he is my ex.
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