Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML
Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML
Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML
Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML
Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back of the car by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML
Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML
Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that included the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML
Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML
Today, some jackass in an Iron Man mask nailed me in the head with a quarter while I was helping other customers. Minimum wage isn't worth this crap. FML
Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML
Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising, and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to third base with his girlfriend. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm from eagerly scratching off a lottery ticket. No, I didn't win anything. FML
Kotoko_fml tells us more.
LOL These comments are all hilarious. xD Yeah, I admit, I probably DID deserve it =P Lotto tickets are a money drainage.. =/ Course, you win a few times.. here and there, you get addicted thinking "OK! I am going to win this time!" Yeah.. I really need to stop buying them all the time. It's pathetic how much money I've wasted.. =/ I vote YDI for myself, lol.
Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML
Today, I had surgery done to fix an ingrown toenail. When the doctor started cutting the nail, my toe wasn't entirely numb. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML
Today, my parents lectured me for wanting to wear sneakers to a wedding. The wedding is on a farm. FML
so_this_is_me tells us more.
Just to clarify, the dress code was business casual but since it was on a farm, I was trying to choose comfortable, practical shoes that would not get totally ruined and that still looked nice which proved to be a bit of a challenge. After lots of shopping around and trying on many pairs of shoes, I found a pair of flats and I ended up wearing those. It did rain pretty heavily later so I ended up getting permission to change into shoes that I wouldn't mind getting muddy. This had absolutely nothing to do with entitlement, I was just trying to be practical :)
Today, I was babysitting my 5 year-old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML
Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML
Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML
Today, after not going out in over a year, I finally agreed to go out with some friends. I had a lot of fun and was very happy, up until when I was on my way back home and I noticed my car's sunroof had been stolen. FML
Pandafriend tells us more.
Pandafriend 22
Op here! This is my first FML and I'm happy it got posted :) To answer some of your questions. How does a sunroof get stolen? I have no idea, but these Mexican thieves tend to be very creative, and quite handy by the looks of it. I guess they stole it because it's an expensive car piece, but the jokes on them because it has a serial number and technically if they try to sell it they could go to jail (if the correct laws were to be applied). But maybe they just sell it as scrap glass. And on the bright side I'm really glad they only stole the sunroof and not the whole car, and they didn't take anything from inside either, I was worried they might have taken any car papers but luckily they didn't. And the reason why I haven't gone out in such a long time, is because I didn't use to enjoy it, every time I went out I didn't have any fun, and also I find it very hard to maintain a conversation with friends let alone a stranger, and I like staying at home reading or here in FML. I was actually amazed about the fun I had. But if I go out more often now, I'm making a note to myself to never park in the street and always leave it with a valet parking.( Although a valet parking once stole my spare tire, but I didn't notice until I needed it, much after).
Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I'm also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. Fuck identity theft. FML
Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML
Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML
Today, my parents informed that the man I'm going to marry had made it into the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML
Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML
Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML
Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML
Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
