The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By shadowfigure - 23/01/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 540

You deserved it 8 344

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 05:33 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my wife of 10 years bought me a bottle of wine, a wine rack, and a wine accessory kit for my birthday. She knows I don't like wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 870

You deserved it 1 817

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 201

You deserved it 2 827

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 08:03 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was sad I'd forgotten to bake him the cookies that I was planning to send to him for Christmas. His response was "Good, you suck at cooking anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 195

You deserved it 6 886

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 689

You deserved it 14 042

Coming through

By hellogoodbye - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, at work my arms were full. I needed to get the door open, so instead of pushing the swing door open with my shoulder, I kicked it open with my foot. Right into my manager's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 104

You deserved it 12 723

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 195

You deserved it 3 159

By ihatecats - 01/12/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 194

You deserved it 16 619

By :) - 29/05/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgeways for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them, "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 728

You deserved it 4 092

Not gonna happen

By wormiformed - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I came into work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 395

You deserved it 1 604

Good

By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work, I asked a lady how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she'd said, I just replied with, "Oh, that's good." What she'd said that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 602

You deserved it 33 447

Remember me

By laxguy23 - 21/04/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 003

You deserved it 3 499

This is my O face

By lauz - 03/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept with my boyfriend for the first time. I'd always imagined it would be a romantic moment, but it turned out that "Saw 5" was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 046

You deserved it 4 255

By RavingLunatic - 01/05/2015 22:17 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 303

You deserved it 24 842

By awkword - 31/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 054

You deserved it 3 879

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 228

You deserved it 3 812

By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 03:47 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 349

You deserved it 2 849

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 084

You deserved it 9 947

By not jacked - 20/04/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 186

You deserved it 1 569

By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 441

You deserved it 4 052

By EMTGirl'sLife - 10/02/2015 03:15 - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 603

You deserved it 2 830

Coming through!

By SBT1030 - 23/07/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 565

You deserved it 5 655

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 163

You deserved it 16 624

By gothicvamp93 - 04/01/2015 06:46 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 196

You deserved it 2 386

By shadowsonicstar - 14/01/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 805

You deserved it 40 717

Facebook drama

By fistycunt4 - 06/12/2014 20:22 - United States - Belmont

Today, I posted a picture of me without makeup on Facebook. A "friend" commented, "fuk me thts hideus!!" My dad replied, "Hideous, yes, just like your godawful spelling!" My mom yelled at my dad for agreeing with the guy, and they're still fighting. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 347

You deserved it 3 792

Happy America Day Mofos!

By Your ass... Grab it... - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 545

You deserved it 4 450

By Anonymous - 19/09/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 104

You deserved it 6 045

My intention was…

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the Hacky Sacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 3 610

By Jololol - 17/05/2013 09:25 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 236

You deserved it 3 336

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The Top

Today, I decided to end things with my boyfriend, thinking it would be fine since things have never been at all serious between us. He cried for hours before having his grandmother text me to say how heartless I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 200

You deserved it 8 553

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 421

You deserved it 3 107

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 394

You deserved it 4 479

Today, I spent the first day of the New Year helping out at an old folks' home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Ernie, an 83 year-old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 756

You deserved it 3 991

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 275

You deserved it 3 761

Today, I went to park with a guy I've been infatuated for a long time. We got into his car and found a lovely lonely spot. Then he started talking about kinks, and I noticed that he had a gorilla suit in the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 235