Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML
Today, I went to a local bar for a speed dating event. The first person I hooked up with took one look at my face, burst into laughter, and walked out of the bar practically doubling over. FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, I ate a wonderful meal, after which I fell asleep on my couch and had a dream that my husband was passionately kissing me. I woke up to realize it was actually my cat licking bits of food out of my teeth. FML
laureri tells us more.
laureri 26
Hey OP here! To answer some questions, my husband does not have a sandpaper tongue, that would be awful! I didn't have huge bits of food just your regular after food residue. I usually do brush after meals but the itus was strong and I immediately fell asleep after the meal. And yes I brushed, mouthwashed, and flossed immediately after I woke up with a cat tongue in my mouth!! Repeatedly I might add. My cats are beggars, they will do almost anything for table food apparently licking my teeth is fare game. The comments made me laugh, so thanks guys. Cheers!
Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML
Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML
Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML
Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML
Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML
Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML
Today, my boyfriend became a magician. His best trick? The disappearing act. FML
highheelcyanide tells us more.
First of all, I am so excited that this got posted! Almost makes dating the jerk worth it! Also, all the comments are hilarious. To answer some questions, no, I most definitely am not pregnant. There wasn't even a scare. On the backstory, he wasn't *technically* my boyfriend, but we had been dating and things were going really great. He did all the right things and we had a great connection (or so I thought). So after a while we slept together, and enjoyment was had on both sides. Nothing seemed off for a few days, and then he gradually quit texting me and I never saw him again after that night. Live and learn, I suppose.
Today, my boss of six months asked me what country I'm from. I'm white and from the southern United States. I'm so quiet, he didn't think I spoke English. FML
Macysdayparade8 tells us more.
Op here. I was just trying to say that there are no obvious signs that I'm not from Georgia/from another country, where most people speak English.
Today, I found a crying little kid alone in a park. I walked around with him for a bit to try to find his parents. When I found his dad, all he did was take the kid and menacingly leer at me until I left. FML
WordBea tells us more.
Hello - OP here. I was helping at an event when this happened. First of all, I'd like to say that there was no way the kid just wandered off. His dad was in a parking lot looking for his stuff in his car at least 200 meters away. He just had his head up his ass. Second of all, I know it was wrong to not call the police or at least get some adult involved, but I'm only 14, and so I guess I wasn't jaded enough yet to realize any predator in the vicinity might see that as the perfect opportunity. For what it's worth, though, I saw a very close resemblance between the two, so at least that's something.
Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML
Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML
Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML
Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML
Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "The lovely Meghan." I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML
Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML
Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML
Today, I was going through the history on my computer. Apparently, while I was at school my mother used my computer, and I now know my mother wants to learn how to make her breasts look larger, amongst other things. FML
Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML
Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML
Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML
Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML
Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated… I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML
Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML
Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML
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