Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML
Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML
Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML
Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML
Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend. About 30 minutes into dinner and I see my exes come in, one by one. In the end, they were all sitting at the same table. My boyfriend got up and went to the bathroom. He came back and sat down with them. Apparently my boyfriend went through my phone and called all of them. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML
Today, my sister makes more money masturbating for anonymous perverts online than I do with an honest job, and she works less hours. She just bought a house for £160,000 without a mortgage; I rent a council house. She has a 20 Plate Land Rover; I have a Nissan micra FML
Today, I asked my boss if he was getting temp workers to cover the three ladies from my office on maternity for at least the next two years. He laughed at my fine joke, then said my office will just have to cope. I’m the only member of that office left. I have to do the work of four people for two years. FML
Today, I spent all day doing chores around the house, including mowing and raking the lawn, paying bills, going to the store, meal prepping, and cleaning the fridge. When I sat down to enjoy some well-earned games, my girlfriend sighed and asked if I ever planned to contribute anything to our relationship. FML
Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML
Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML
Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML
Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for four years due to college hostel being below par. She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning. FML
Today, I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry. I was already mad at my husband, but he asked if we could just skip the boring two-hour argument, assume he’d already given me an empty apology and quietly return to hating each other while at least being civil about it. FML
Today, I've been loyal to my wife for almost 25 years then I randomly bumped into my high school sweetheart, sparks flew like when we were teenagers, and less than an hour later we were having sex in her car. I feel like such scum. What the hell is wrong with me? FML
Today, I invited my best friend of 15 years to my birthday party. He wants to bring his girlfriend of a year along, because she feels "threatened" by our friendship, and thinks "He’ll cheat." I'd already put the deposit for the venue and it costs $50 per additional guest. FML
Today, I hooked up with a really great guy while I’m on a business trip. Would've been great, but found out he slept with someone else right after me, and stole my headphones. FML
Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML
Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML
Today, I thought I finally had a decent boyfriend. He didn’t seem like an emotionally unavailable alcoholic like my past boyfriends. Then I found out he’s an unemployed Trump supporter. FML
Today, after having severe acne for 7 years and trying every affordable option available to fix it, decided that I would splurge on a $230 face cleanser. I got home and tried it immediately. The results? I had an allergic reaction to it. FML
Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML
Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML
Today, after two months of lab research, I finally had a day off. I decided to treat myself to gourmet sun-dried tomatoes, as well as some fresh pasta for dinner. I split the entire pot of boiling water down my body and spent nearly 7 hours at the hospital. I also vomited the tomatoes up. FML
Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML
Today, we found out my mother-in-law faked her terminal cancer diagnosis to guilt us into getting pregnant, so she could meet her first grand baby “before it's too late.” In no way can we afford this baby, we are already poor, so this will ruin us financially, yet she’s perfectly healthy. FML
Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't then enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife paid $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML
Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML
Today, I weigh the same as I did the day I gave birth six months ago. I'd been working out and finally making progress, until I fell off a horse and injured my hip. I can't work out for at least the next two weeks either. FML
It_gets_better tells us more.
Oh wow, my FML finally got published! I know it takes some time to fully heal from the baby, it just hits me harder because both of my sisters had babies after me and they're both back into their nonmaternity wardrobe. So I am a little jealous that it took me a while to start making progress- and why it was such a bummer to move backward so fast. Really, I know I picked up bad habits during pregnancy and I gained a lot of unhealthy weight, not just baby weight, so I'm exercising to be healthier overall. The riding in the first place is part of my course load at university. I fell off because the stirrup snapped and I hit the ground with it. My husband had to wheel me to urgent care and they did X rays to make sure I didn't break my pelvis. So while the good news is nothing was broken- I couldn't get off the couch for days and it still took me about three weeks to be able to walk around the house. I'm feeling much better now and should be back in classes at the end of this week!
Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML
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