Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML
Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML
Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
Today, after an amazing date with a girl I like at a restaurant, I realized I foolishly forgot my wallet. When I returned, I spotted my date at another table on a date with a different guy. I also wasn’t able to find my wallet. FML
Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML
Today, my father won't let me sleep in the same bed as my fiancée, because, "God dislikes indecent things." I've been with my fiancée for over 5 years. My father came to live with us months ago, because his now ex-wife sacked him for cheating on her and scamming her. FML
Today, I’m on vacation in Peru in the Amazonian forest. I woke up in the middle of the night to the noise of a snake moving around on my bed. I screamed so loudly that one of the locals woke up and came to have a look. When I explained, he laughed his ass off and left. FML
Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML
Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML
Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML
Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML
Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML
Today, my husband started taking language classes. Not something sensible like French or Spanish, but fucking Latin! Why the fuck would anyone learn Latin? What a stupid fuck. FML
Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML
Today, I went drinking with my boyfriend and his sister in England. I'm from the US and they live here in the UK. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't get drunk and lock me out of the house, in a foreign country at 2 a.m., where my phone doesn't work. FML
themysteriousfox tells us more.
OP here.. What happened was it was a family party and my boyfriend got so insanely drunk me, him, and his sister decided to walk home. His sister decided to wander off in the opposite direction and he kept walking towards his house prompting me to stop in the middle and shout at him to wait so I could get his younger sister. Then he got mad and told me to go away and locked me out. He couldn't even remember anything that happened the next day apologized profusely. I managed to get inside because his aunt found me standing outside getting ready to climb the fence into their driveway and knock on the door and brought me back to her house. I should have probably had a backup if something like this were to happen but live and learn I guess. I'm only 19 so as far as experiences go I'm still a beginner. Other than that my visits been great at least!
Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML
Today, one of our local news stations decided it was the perfect day to film random people at the beach. I saw myself on TV, holding hands with my side chick. I hope my girlfriend doesn’t watch the news. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML
Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke it off with me when she realized I can no longer treat her to expensive gifts and meals. My ex-wife is bleeding me dry with child support payments, I can no longer afford the lifestyle I used to have. She won’t take me back. Now I’m totally single and broke. FML
Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 8 months was having a really bad day at work. Thinking I would cheer him up a bit, I send him a picture of myself while I was changing. His response? He dumped me. He said it was unprofessional and immature of me to do that. He works in the middle of nowhere, by himself. FML
Today, I pretended to be sleeping when my dad came to check on me. I’m not talking to him. Why? Because my mom died in January and he already has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry, she's going to be my step-mom. I’m 31. FML
Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML
Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML
Today, I spent 12 hours in an airport rather than go back to the apartment of the man I traveled to see for the weekend. Instead of wine, dine, sixty-nine, he took me to a tailgating event and introduced me to two girls he had a threesome with. FML
Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML
Today, a basketball opponent ran into my elbow and hurt himself. He called me to the hospital and, to be a good person, I went to check on him. It turns out he reported me to the police to try and get money out of me. Now I'm stuck at the station while they “investigate”. FML
Today, while intoxicated, I accidentally called my girlfriend by female roommate's name. Panicked, I tried to correct myself and said my female best friend's name. My relationship with both is 100% platonic, but as a last ditch effort, completely frazzled, I said my cat's name. Now she won't stop calling me by her ex's name. FML
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