The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

The power of the cardboard box

Today, I’m kicking myself for buying and setting up an elaborate cat tree I thought my cats would love. The second I was done, they walked over to it, sniffed around, and went to sleep in the box it came in instead, and won’t go near the darn thing. It might as well be a $200 cardboard box. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

Denied

Today, my fiancé decided that we shouldn't have sex before we get married. Even though we've been doing it for years. We can't get married right now due to Covid. FML

Going well, isn't it

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

Con Artist Kitty

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

Mom knows best

Today, my mom offered me a reward if I went out and mowed our lawn. After 45 mins of pushing a lawnmower in 95-degree heat and getting stung by a bee, I go inside and ask my mom for my reward. She comes up to me, gives me a 'loving hug' and says, "Thank you." FML

Goodbye horses

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

Life's what you make it

Today, I realized that I’m undateable because of my weight. I’m 33. My entire life, I’ve always been dated in secret, guys went out with me to make fun of me behind my back, always got cheated on, always get friendzoned, etc. It’s not fair that I have to change my body type to get my chance at happily ever after. FML

Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

Need help

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

Today, I loaded up a cart at work with all the things that take me the longest to stock, figuring I'd just get it over with. My manager decided to use that cart to time me and measure my efficiency. FML

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

Run away

Today, as punishment for going through my boyfriend’s phone and finding evidence of him cheating, he dropped me off at the gym and made me stay there for an hour to workout. As soon as I get to a “desirable physique” he’ll dump the other woman. If I don’t do it, he’ll kick me out of our apartment. FML

Close enough

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

Those who can't do, teach... Right?

Today, my aunt who has never had children lectured me on how childbirth isn't painful. I am pregnant with my second. I think I've got the gist of how it feels, thanks. FML

Don't get involved

Today, some kid on the bus kept pissing me off, making fart jokes and singing the Peppa Pig theme song on repeat. Angrily, I confronted him and asked him if he was 7. He retaliated with, "Yeah, 7 inches deep in your MOM!" FML

Let people believe what they believe

Today, my wife and I finally got in touch with a therapist to deal with the fact that our daughter resolutely believes in Santa, despite being told by everyone and by common sense that he is made up. Before you make mad comments, be aware she is 17 and has no mental disorders we are aware of. FML

Today, I got to experience the unadulterated horror of waking up to a spider crawling across my face. My screaming woke the neighbors. FML

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

Forever alone

Today, being a lonely exchange student, I slept with a guy from my dorm who I don’t genuinely like, just to show myself a good time. His equipment, fully deployed, was not even the size of my thumb and the entire business lasted less than 20 seconds. I was lonely enough to let him back in again. Twice. FML

Touché

Today, I told my almost 18 year-old that she couldn’t go to a school event because I needed her to watch her younger siblings so I could go out with my sisters. She scoffed, “You have four baby daddies and not one can babysit?” and then went to the event anyway. FML

Letting it all hang out

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

Love is sometimes just love

Today, I was looking for proof that my dad’s much younger girlfriend is just a dumb gold digging slut looking for a payday. Turns out she has a PhD, owns her own home, and makes six figures. So what’s she doing with his old ass? FML

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

Superficial

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I go on Instagram to find that the girl I rejected for her just announced her engagement. This girl literally moved mountains for me for years and my selfish ass didn’t wanna go out with her, all because my girlfriend was hotter. I’m a dumbass. FML

The Talk

Today, at 16 years-old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with, "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML