Today, I asked my 'friend with benefits' if she'd consider actually dating me regularly. She said yes, but only if I joined the Republican Party, because she "would never date anyone who didn't fight for morality." FML
Today, I returned from a job abroad and saw my twin brother for the first time in six months. He greeted me with words of true brotherly love: "You've fattened up a bit." FML
Today, I'm single again, after my now ex attacked my best friend out of jealousy, forcing me to choose between 25 years of friendship and 3 months of a relationship. FML
Today, I learned the hard way that my girlfriend’s young daughter sleepwalks. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, only to be greeted in the dimly lit hallway by her creepy silhouette. I yelped like a bitch and dropped the glass on my foot, breaking two toes. FML
Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML
Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML
Today, I got screamed at on the toilet for telling the person who walked in on me to shut the door. My pants were around my ankles, I was holding a tampon, and the door was wide open as my mom and sister ran over to help. FML
Watermania tells us more.
Believe it or not, I'm OP and this was posted on my tablet, I'm on my phone now (I'll post a picture of the other account if u don't believe me). Anyways, we were staying with a bitter old woman who believes "everything I do is right" (her words). She started screaming at me for being "disrespectful". This isn't the first occurrence of her messing with me only, and she's even purposely burned my food in the oven for not cooking it her way. Hope this helps
Today, I found my best friend's girlfriend on a webcam site. I then told him, and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML
Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML
Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML
Today, as we were discussing our plans for 2026, I suggested we go vegan as it's healthier and better for the planet. My husband said, "Ask me to go vegan again and I'll have divorce papers for you the next day." Why? Why are men so adamantly opposed to veganism? FML
Today, I found out that the girl I’ve been trying to get at from my job, and buying her stuff for, got caught kissing another guy at my job, who hasn’t done shit for her. But yet she says she cares about me. Actions speaker louder than words. FML
Today, I finally took the courage to introduce my ginger boyfriend to my family. It didn't go too well. My dad asked if he could call him "Ron Weasley" and my 13-year-old brother asked if he had a soul. Now I'm single again. FML
Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML
Today, I watched our presidential candidates face off like high school girls with the whole world watching. FML
Today, our house caught fire. While trying to help my mom get to safety, the word "fuck" accidentally escaped my mouth. Once we were safe, she said I was grounded for swearing. I'm 19. FML
Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML
Today, my son broke up with his fourth girlfriend in a row, because, “all of them get those period things and it’s annoying as fuck.” He’s 20. FML
Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML
Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML
Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML
Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML
Today, I'm so confused. My husband had a vasectomy years ago, yet a bunch of symptoms and five pregnancy tests all say I’m pregnant. I’ve never cheated on him, but if a baby suddenly appears, there’s no way he won’t think I’m a cheater. FML
Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML
Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML
Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML
Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML
Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML
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