Today, I had a hotdog. I thought the skin was a bit tough but ate it anyway. After reading the packaging later I found out that each hotdog has an individual plastic wrapper. I ate plastic. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML
Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML
Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML
Today, my fiance's mother asked him how he can be with someone with chronic pain for the rest of his life. She has chronic health problems too, but doesn't see how this is a hypocritical question. FML
Today, my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment and is making me sleep on the couch, all because I said I loved my best female friend. I meant loved like family. She still won’t hear me out. FML
Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me, so I walked up to her and asked if everything was OK. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML
Today, I went through my boyfriend’s emails and found out that he cheated on me the day before he asked me to move in with him. FML
Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown caller, and no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted. They left a number in the voicemail, telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML
Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML
Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML
Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML
Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML
Today, it's been 10 months of a sexless marriage. Also my 10-month wedding anniversary. We waited until marriage, and she hasn't wanted me since. FML
Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML
Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML
Today, after being years of being told that it's a pipe dream and that I couldn't do it, I finally qualified for my unconventional dream job, competing with almost 100k people, only to find out during the medical exam that as I have epilepsy, I'm unfit for the job. FML
Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML
Today, I learned that one of the reasons I may be getting migraines every day is because I subconsciously clench my jaw a lot due to stress. To try and have it hurt less, I’ve gone back to wearing my plastic retainer during the day, but it makes my gag reflux act up. FML
Today, while fighting with a girl I hate, my nose piercing got a little loose and I ended up snorting it in. That same girl had to take me to the hospital for surgery. She told everyone afterwards. FML
Today, my ex-husband got married to my daughter. She’s 18, a high school dropout, and pregnant with his child. She strongly believes she’ll have a bright future with him. FML
Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML
Today, I need to know whether it's better to be in a relationship in which I'm not loved and have no intimacy, or live on my own with no family or friends. if I were alone though, I could live in my underwear and eat cereal for dinner if I wanted to. FML
Today, I had my very first interview and pretty much got hired right away. Then I found out I have to drive 2 hours away for training. I don't have a car, license, or money. FML
Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML
Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML
Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML
Today, I realized the kitten I adopted months ago either has serious attachment issues or the worst case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever seen. Only I can get near him, he can't stand us being over 5 feet apart, he meows until I let him into the bathroom with me, and I feel like a jerk for disliking it. I need space. FML
Today, I returned home early from a week away for work. I was worried about my husband's mental health after a week alone with our two ADD kids. He wasn’t expecting me, but I was surprised to see the house cleaner than it had ever been, and our children happily reading on the couch. How did he do that? FML
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