Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML
Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, and just signed the lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML
Today, I stopped a guy from running under a moving London bus. No-one else saw what happened. How did the guy thank me? He wanted to fight me because I made him miss the bus I just saved him from. FML
UKRukus tells us more.
UKRukus 12
It was not a routemaster. im a londoner too. i take risks crossing myself, but i know when you can do it, and when you cant. this guy didnt realise the bus was right behind him as he went to run out on the road. he wouldnt have made it. if he goes about catching buses like that every day, it defies science and logic as to how he is still alive.
Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML
Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML
Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML
Today, I returned from a week long vacation in Aruba. After 10 hours of travel and 3 flights, I was walking to my car at the airport, excited to finally get home, only to realize I left my car keys, apartment keys, and work keys at the resort. FML
kaleemuller tells us more.
Just to clear this up, my keys were in the safe, so was my passport, however so were the things of 6 other people. I was the first person to leave and when I asked them to hand me my passport out of the safe when I left, completely forgetting I had put anything else in the safe. I arrived at the airport at midnight and was unable to get into my apartment until the next day where I did have a spare set of car and apartment keys. The resort did mail my keys to me a few days later and now I have them. Yes, I learned my lesson and in the future will be triple checking things myself!
Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML
Today, the creepy guy at school that won't take "no" for an answer came over with his parents to talk about marriage. My dad knows about this creep and said he'd cast them out, but things didn't turn out as I hoped. Apparently, part of the dowry is a Ferrari. FML
Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML
Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML
Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML
Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML
Today, my boss lost the company a very lucrative contract I had worked on for weeks because he wouldn't tolerate the client's "disrespect." The disrespect? Asking him to not interrupt her or put words in her mouth during a conference call with her employees. FML
TheGreatSquirrel tells us more.
OP here. I'm IT, not an English major, and 300 charas is a limited space. Sorry if it was too garbled. This actually happened last year and was the last straw as far as my job there went. The company had a small sales staff and a policy where tech personnel, working on their own time, could bring in new clients. You got a biannual bonus proportional to how much the client contracted for. At the time, my wife was pregnant and on bedrest, so we really could have used the extra money. I had a friend working for a nice-sized company in the area that needed some IT services. While I didn't get any insider secrets from him, what I knew from general conversation was enough to tailor an offer and know how to present it to the company owner. My boss was the kind of person who saw everyone competent as conspiring to threaten his job, so he insisted on being on the call she wanted to confirm everything before signing. He was condescending to the client, constantly interrupted her, and tried to sell her things that she would never need. It was obvious he didn't know or care what her company needed or wanted. She politely asked him to stop and he dressed her down for rudeness and disrespect in front of her own employees. When she declined to sign a contract with us, he blamed me, even though I'd only gotten about three sentences out. And then I got a job somewhere much better and quit.
Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML
Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML
Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML
Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML
Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of anti-perspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about four minutes. Then she said, "Can I have my hand back?" FML
Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML
Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML
Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML
Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register, only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML
Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML
Today, I had finally gotten my dogs to quiet down and my baby to fall asleep. Not thirty seconds later, my neighbor's car alarm went off. They aren't home for the weekend, and the damn alarm has now been blaring for three hours. FML
Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
