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Bad guest

By Unknown - 23/12/2014 18:25 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 706

You deserved it 3 055

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 07:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 304

You deserved it 2 983

By nofriends - 09/02/2016 05:17 - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 113

You deserved it 1 968

There was an attempt…

By JoshTheUnluckyFromKentucky - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Folsom

Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 670

You deserved it 2 935

By MissSmarts - 14/12/2009 01:27 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 981

You deserved it 39 706

By Anonymous - 26/09/2014 20:00 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad, "What's up?" He casually replied, "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 046

You deserved it 3 048

By freakedout - 08/08/2014 14:43 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the doctor's waiting room. When I woke up, the room was empty, and there was a $1 bill tucked into my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 088

You deserved it 6 960

By tortureromoretorture - 27/08/2015 00:28 - United States - West Islip

Today, after twelve straight hours of work, my fourteen year old son surprised me with a broken window and a cracked TV. He said, "I was swatting away a fly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 316

You deserved it 1 695

By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

Spicy

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 925

You deserved it 7 212

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 930

You deserved it 5 367

By Misc. - 13/03/2009 17:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 091

You deserved it 8 216

By fjafja - 07/03/2009 06:34 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 673

You deserved it 13 355

By almostkilledmyself - 29/12/2012 07:30 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized something: when other people are drunk, they dance around and make out with people. When I'm drunk, I apparently think it's a great idea to chew on electrical cords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 235

You deserved it 32 341

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 19:50 - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 016

You deserved it 9 674

By HumanNature - 01/02/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 070

You deserved it 3 239

Hey guys

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 360

You deserved it 4 456

By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 312

You deserved it 1 669

By Anonymous - 12/01/2016 21:03 - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding, and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 895

You deserved it 2 182

By Becca_Jo - 06/01/2016 04:19 - United States - Caledonia

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 082

You deserved it 1 656

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 243

You deserved it 3 340

Side dick

By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Spicy

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 13 054

By Anonymous - 18/06/2013 10:44 - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 087

You deserved it 4 087

Blackout

By squishy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 144

You deserved it 51 976

One day…

By Anna - 29/09/2015 14:58 - Sweden - Västerås

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 174

You deserved it 3 690

Spooked

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets, and lost my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 912

You deserved it 4 135

By tallesttree54 - 11/11/2016 00:38

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 585

You deserved it 1 375

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 956

You deserved it 9 418

By xAdtrx3x - 11/08/2016 18:16 - United States - New York

Today, I got yelled at in my office. It's construction, and I'm the youngest woman. One of my male bosses yelled at me because grown-ass adults won't sign in the log. Either I get my ass kicked by construction guys over a sign-in sheet, or yelled at by my boss. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 509

You deserved it 1 285

xAdtrx3x tells us more.

xAdtrx3x 8

Friday 12 August 2016 15:47

Hi guys, OP here. Some background info- The guy who yelled at me is only here 80% of the week, and he's not the boss I report to. He just thinks he is, and how he behaved was unacceptable.(He's trying to make the office his own show, but it's not working.) The boss of my division wasn't happy about how he handled things, so he was definitely in the wrong. My co workers are defending me, and this wasn't my fault since it's not my responsibility. I'm a receptionist, not an office manager. If they don't want to sign in- he should be yelling at THEM and not me.

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 16:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 156

You deserved it 2 308

By Noname - 05/03/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 471

You deserved it 4 064

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The Top

The Top

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 169

You deserved it 3 342

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 271

You deserved it 6 592

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 564

You deserved it 30 901

Today, I found out I'm pregnant, after quitting my job because they asked us to work for free due to COVID. So because I quit, I'm no longer eligible for maternity leave. I didn’t know that I was 4 months pregnant. I could've just gotten a doctor's note for medical reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 519

Today, I tried to reach out to my friend after not hearing from her for a while. One night while drinking, we both admitted to being bi-curious and decided to experiment with each other. I thought it was just harmless exploration, but apparently this makes her never want to speak to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 269

Today, at the gym, a guy yelled at me to stop lifting more than his son, because I was embarrassing him by being a girl and lifting more. His son must have been 15 and I almost qualified for the Olympics, but sure I’ll hold back to spare the feelings of a misogynistic 15 year-old little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 331

You deserved it 199