The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Who do you take me for?

Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, sleeping in his sister's room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter's necklace. She hid it so I wouldn't "steal it". FML

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

Today, cops showed up at my house looking for an ex neighbor. It would be all cool if before knocking they didn't politely wait in front of my window listening me and my boyfriend having sex for half an hour. FML

Today, while helping my mom to cook, I was reminded that when the fire alarm goes off in our house, dinner is ready. FML

WTF, dude?

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

Today, I nearly got shitcanned for falling asleep on the job. The only reason I was so dead tired was because my idiot roommates decided to get high last night and loudly argue for hours about stupid crap like "Is it gay to screw a clone of yourself?" I got less than 2 hours of sleep because of them. FML

Bye!

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

Fitness guru

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML

Dad jokes

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked at him and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

Self-soothing

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

Today, as if having an old man shit on the floor of the busy restaurant I work at wasn't bad enough, my manager made a video commentating over the camera footage of me discovering said giant pile of shit, and shared it with the entire staff. This is going to haunt me forever. FML

Monolith

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

Busted

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

Sussy

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

Today, I was messing around and tried to catch a piece of cereal in my mouth. I accidentally slammed my head on the counter behind my couch. FML

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancé is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been two months. FML