Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML
Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML
Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML
Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML
Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend while at my aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message, I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she's taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML
Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML
Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML
Today, my mother got me to guess who she spent the night with. I then find out it was the gas station guy. The same creep that I've been complaining about because he hits on me every time I go get gas. Good pick Mom. FML
Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML
Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML
Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12-month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML
Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML
Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML
Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML
Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML
Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML
Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML
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