Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML
Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML
Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML
Today, I punished my new dog for taking a shit inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML
Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML
Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML
Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML
Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML
Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML
Today, after being neutered, my dog has managed to destroy three different "cones of shame", a special (and expensive) inflatable "donut" collar, and two t-shirts used as last resorts. I've essentially spent over $100 to unsuccessfully try keep my dog from licking his crotch. FML
AnnoyedAggie16 tells us more.
This is the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I'm not sure how to make my comment show I'm the OP, but oh well. Basically we adopted a dog after thanksgiving and the shelter insisted they neuter him themselves before he could go home with us. Being one of the highest intake shelters in the state, I'm sure his surgery was a little rushed, and the results were not ideal. Speaking as a former vet tech, his incision placement was very odd and has caused a lot of problems for him. We've actually had to see the vet four times in the past week over it. Unfortunately this makes it even more important for us to prevent him from licking, which obviously has proven problematic to say the least. We've finally managed to keep an e-collar on him for more than a day... but it's probably only a matter of time. We love our new troublemaker tons regardless though.
Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML
Today, my 4-month-old puppy made a break for it as soon as I opened the front door. I had to run after her barefoot, in just my dressing gown. It was raining. I fell over, forgot to break my fall and skidded along the unsurfaced road. She came back on her own while I was was laid on the floor. FML
Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML
Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML
Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat piss and moved further away from the other person, only to later get in my car and realize my cat had peed in my purse. FML
Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly-born ones. FML
Today, to keep my dog from barking in my ear in the car, I put a buzz collar on him. It worked: he barked once, the collar vibrated, he shut up. Then, his 75 pounds trembling in terror, he pissed himself and all over the back seat. FML
ThatBackfired tells us more.
Wow. This is HILARIOUS. 1) Yes, the collar VIBRATES and nothing else. I shelled out extra for the model that had no shock option whatsoever. The collar does not shock, it does not blast his ears. The second would be useless, since he’s pretty much deaf. I would never use either of those on a dog. Yes, I tried it on myself. I have far more powerful sources of vibration. Yes, I used it previously in training. He didn’t react like this. 2) Unfortunately, his previous owner left him in a crate and forgot about him, so that isn’t an option. 3) He’s good in the car and doesn’t always bark, only when he’s (a) in the car and (b) sees rescue vehicles or other large dogs. That makes it ******* hard to predict when he’s going to bark, and makes positive reinforcement pretty much impossible, since I can’t tell WHILE DRIVING A CAR if he’s seen something and not reacted. And how exactly should I give him a treat, praise, or affection when he’s in the back, I’m in the front, and he can’t hear me? 4) Next time you’re driving, shove an earbud into one ear and tell your passenger that at some point in the drive, they should turn on the MP3 player it’s connected to, which you have preset at maximum volume. Explain to them that this is perfectly safe, and will not distract you at a crucial moment in the drive or cause you any pain whatsoever. Now imagine this happens every time you get into a car with them, and you may understand why I’m trying to train it out of him.
Today, my mum called me at work in hysterics, saying she had just been arrested and that I needed to get her dog from her house. I had no idea why she was arrested. I hear nothing from her until 1 a.m. when she calls, waking me up. The first words out of her mouth are, "How's the dog?" FML
CaffeinePlz_24_7 tells us more.
OP here (TooStressedToFunction) with an update on things. Had to make an account for this, so enjoy. Turns out my mum AND dad were arrested, and are now on bail for six months. I'm not at liberty to say why they were arrested but trust me the allergations are BAD. Personally I don't belive the allergations are true, but my parents do need to move. Where are they moving? Closer to a support network maybe, consisting of family and friends who can help them through this hard and upsetting time ? Nope! Closer to the dog's special private vet, a full hour away from anyone that they know will help them. I fear pyscological issues are at play. P.S. The dog is fine, other than decades of interbreeding to keep his bloodline pedigree
Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML
Today, I argued with my dog for ten minutes because she refused to go outside and pee. FML
ApplePie1994 tells us more.
ApplePie1994 27
OP here. My sassy Jack Russell ass bitch's name is Honey. She's 13, blind and smells like ass. The older she gets, the cheekier she becomes. She's still awesome, though. I eventually won the battle. Yes, I rewarded her submission with rubs. I talk to her like she's a person. She's sick of my bullshit, tbh. I love my baba. I'll upload pictures of her on my profile.
Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML
Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML
Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML
Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML
Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML
Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML
Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML
Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML
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