Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were changing our newborn son when he peed on her, making me lose it laughing. Less than five seconds later, as I picked him up to clean him off, he did a huge poop, all over my hands, arms, feet, and clothes. Instant Karma. FML
Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML
Today, after I finished giving my baby a bottle then burping her, I lifted her up and was bringing her in for kisses. As I was doing this, I felt this warm liquid hit my lips and slide into my mouth. I instantly pulled her back and she'd vomited. It took everything out of me not to vomit myself. FML
Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML
Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML
Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML
Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML
Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML
Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
Even the baby knew you misspelled cantaloupe! It would be great if the vomit stream was bright orange.
CitrusGirl 0
YDI- never insult peoples babies.
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Comments (81)
beren456 1
And so do I now! fail comment wow...
beren456 1
Hope it doesn't start levitating!
5t3ff1k4h 45
Never mind levitating. That would be cool! Beware the baby if it turns its head around 360 degrees...
Thin_Ice_fml 0
Karma doesn't exist. FYL for having imbeciles as parents.
ShorTiE4LyFe 0
Sorry... but who names a baby Cantaloupe Head?
Renesaga 8
36 - It isn't OP's parents. Re-read.
Dragons_corner 6
38 that's the nickname OP gave the baby.
Lahariim 8
#38 Someone who thinks said baby's head resembles a cantaloupe! OP Now I dare say I do believe karma!
perdix 31
Even the baby knew you misspelled cantaloupe! It would be great if the vomit stream was bright orange.
perdix 31
Nice try, Sneaky Editor! Originally, it was "Cantelope," but you tried to fix it and make me look bad. You reduced the spelling errors in that word by half. C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E
cowgod123 0
lol?
perdix 31
Didi, it is always my pleasure to help when I can. May I suggest that if a post is edited after it has been originally published, you put a little notation like "Edited for spelling at 5:00 pm?" It would prevent us early birds from looking like idiots when we catch the errors early but then they get fixed. That one a few days ago where the original said "desert" when "dessert" was intended is a glaring example for the need for such a notation. Using "desert" changed the whole meaning and TheIrishJaneDoe and I ran with it only to see it quietly fixed later. Merci, perdix
Cates500 0
3rd!!
mrahhhhh 21
Good job! You want a cookie?
Cates500 0
I've got some already
LAXgurlie28 0
Damn
stitch_book 4
awwww, but I wanted to be third. :(
iRyanJr 0
#3 Put a ******* shirt on, or work on your abs more.
1personinthiswor 0
3 - you look like Justin Bieber. (I didn't notice until you put it in your info. XD)
lolthegame 0
clap clap
CitrusGirl 0
YDI- never insult peoples babies.
imcutefml 0
^
DocBastard 40
Cantaloupe is misspelled, "who" should be "whom," and "of" should be "in." All these mistakes made this very hard to read, much like this comment.
beren456 1
...it is whom, there is no of...
DocBastard 40
There isn't now. OP said "believer of karma" and it's magically been changed to "believer in karma."
DocBastard 40
And now all three corrections have been made. I've been played like a didgeridoo. It's a conspiracy!
1personinthiswor 0
52 - One of your FMLs have been posted?! It seems like nobody ever gets accepted!
FFFFFUUUUU 0
52 - I lol'd at your pic
Killerkorpse 0
docbastard is right,you made a lot of grammatical errors...
TRACKGiRLJONNi 0
ydi for picking on a baby. you fail.
yagurlteeteexoxo 0
YDI... You jackass for talking about the baby like that...
Icyyy 0
I agree with 7. That's like calling a newborn puppy a bag of shit.
mrahhhhh 21
The baby probably thinks of you as Poopyhead. When he gets older and learns profanity you'll be called ********. In his adult years he'll call you Hardhead. Then when you die you'll be promoted to Deadhead. And he'll be happy upon hearing of your death if you're still a jerk. OP, you can prevent this by being a Goodhead.
xX_rawr_KiTTiEXx 0
lol ahh,,good job, you made me laugh over a computer screen. ps. is your hair naturally like that or is that your bed-head?
mrahhhhh 21
Thanks I try my best :) . That's actually what it looks like about 7 minutes after showering :) . I dried it too fast and didn't comb and that ended up happening. But now my hair is longer and I keep it combed and under a beanie, so it looks flat : / . I'm growing my hair to look like Marty Friedman's during the Rust in Peace era. I'll update my photo on Halloween so everyone can see. +7 internets if you know who I'm talking about.
mrahhhhh 21
And I got it like 3 minutes after in the Bedhead comment. Man I'm scramble brained today :p. I'm really more of a Led Head :? .
MizSammyBaybay12 0
you are quite amusing :)
Cyosaric 0
Megadeth wins.
5t3ff1k4h 45
Scatterbrained *
mrahhhhh 21
I'm so scatterbrained I can't remember the word scatterbrained. :$
ohthebloodygore 16
What's wrong with scramble brain?! Idiot. Yes, you. You're an idiot. :]
6sick6 4
I'm growing my hair to look like Marty too =) I'm so glad I found a Megadeth fan. Here in Saudi Arabia, all the metalheads are Metallica fans..
sniperkitten 0
Lol@11
DaleSohi 1
You should have then vomited on canteloup head's mom for revenge