Today, the guy I have a crush on invited me over to his house....

By limeñaconmalasuerte - 17/6/2017 21:00 - Peru

Today, the guy I have a crush on invited me over to his house. I was nervous and excited, until I found out that he really just wanted me to clean it. Apparently, my friends from the university told him that was my job and he believed them. FML

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Love

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Reliable

A beautiful truck decoration

By taob - 20/5/2012 17:11 - China - Nanning

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

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By youngboob - 21/10/2014 15:42 - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:42 - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2017 20:00

Today, I was pumping the tire of my bicycle indoors, and suddenly the inner tube exploded next to my head. One ear is now ringing and the other one feels like it's bleeding. FML

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By Samantha - 29/3/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By lmiller - 24/1/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

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By fyou - 24/1/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I am contemplating ending my relationship of 6 years. My boyfriend is too busy playing with a plastic guitar to listen. FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By BadLuckCarson - 12/2/2013 05:55 - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

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By E or - 13/7/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 04:05 - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

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By make america date again - 10/2/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 16:30 - United States - Kansas City

Today, after paying a job coach a load of money for his services, pretty much the only advice he gave me was "Send out more résumés." FML

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By IMSERIOUS - 22/1/2014 19:23 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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By Rick - 1/7/2011 08:31 - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:55 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 yr old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

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By hellangelrose - 26/8/2014 07:48 - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

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By rawr101 - 2/10/2010 06:25 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my ex: "I miss you." I was happy to hear this, so I replied "Really?" I got in return "Not really, I'm just really horny and thinking of you." FML

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By cahsecuel - 14/8/2014 20:44 - France - Grisolles

Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

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By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By blahhhh - 9/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

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By amiezingme - 26/7/2013 13:09 - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By BabeRuth - 20/9/2013 15:33 - United States

Today, I thought it would be cool to hit a basketball with a baseball bat. Ended up in the ER with seven stitches. FML

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By CryoSpectre - 11/5/2015 04:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2011 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

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By Handblocked - 4/9/2018 06:00

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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By alix - 24/8/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By ewww - 30/7/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By brittgreen - 11/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By feel so dirty - 11/1/2018 09:00

Today, I asked my husband when he first knew he loved me. He replied, totally honestly, that I was the easiest girl he'd ever managed to talk into a one night stand, only instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I stayed so long we ended up married with kids. FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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Top comments

By Liv3ForTh3Kill | 4

#7472132 - Saturday 17 June 2017 21:09

Did you set him straight, or did you mop the floor with him?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7472141 - Saturday 17 June 2017 21:33

Lots of guys end up fucking the cleaning lady.

Looks like you've...
*wait on it*
got it maid.

COMMENTS

By Liv3ForTh3Kill | 4

#7472132 - Saturday 17 June 2017 21:09

Did you set him straight, or did you mop the floor with him?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7472141 - Saturday 17 June 2017 21:33

Lots of guys end up fucking the cleaning lady.

Looks like you've...
*wait on it*
got it maid.

By Sierra Dawn Worrix | 7

#7472215 - Sunday 18 June 2017 0:26

Sounds like you need some new friends

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7472257 - Sunday 18 June 2017 1:52

Did you at least wear the French maid outfit?

By turnabouttrial | 18

#7472259 - Sunday 18 June 2017 2:12

Kinda sounds like your friends were trying to set you guys up

By bigtwobah | 6

#7472310 - Sunday 18 June 2017 4:22

Sounds like you are all washed up

By amarie2009 | 22

#7472587 - Sunday 18 June 2017 15:04

So ask for 300 bucks and clean his house, easy money!

By joshszz_fml | 27

#7472625 - Sunday 18 June 2017 16:13

Go clean his house and make it a weekly thing. Slowly move your stuff in, one item at a time. Integrate. Refuse to leave when he realised what's going on. Throw a fit and claim to be carrying his baby when he tries to call the cops on you. Show the cops your stuff in his house and make them believe he is just trying not to take responsibility for the pregnancy. Kiss and make up. Enjoy your new life!

ThongWarrior | 17

#7473310 - Monday 19 June 2017 17:20

You need to plan my whole life

By natiaresi | 16

#7473070 - Monday 19 June 2017 7:35

Your friends are horrible

By realsis | 6

#7477618 - Friday 30 June 2017 1:29

This is awful.i dated a guy once that would leave and do who knows what while he expected me to clean his house. I realized how crappy this was and the next time he asked me to clean his house I told him I couldnt I was busy cleaning my own house. He finally got it.