Today, my boyfriend, a math teacher, wanted to recite multiplication... - FML

By hannahpasdebol - France - Paris

Today, my boyfriend, a math teacher, wanted to recite multiplication timetables while making love in order to come less quickly. He could only recite up to the number 5. The timestables turned him on. FML

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Messed up

Lockdown is driving us down

Doomed

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

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By gross - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

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By jasmine - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By lylethomes15 - United States

Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

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By flying solo - United States

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

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By PoorCar - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By gkid92 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

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By HatedbyBras - Netherlands

Today, I tried to take off my girlfriend's bra. When I finally unhooked it, it snapped back and hit me in the eye. FML

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By raaquel - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

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By A Henderson - United States

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

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By unimpressed bride - United States - Traverse City

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

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By pkstarstorm - United States

Today, I came out to my dad. He called me weak minded and said that he has never been more disappointed in me. I didn't come out as gay. I came out as a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By MotherMary - United States - Park Hills

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

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By Whipped Cream - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By mattlikesfunions - United States - Federal Way

Today, I told my parents that I was going on a diet to lose weight and I wanted their support. They brought home donuts and pizza for dinner. FML

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By Stupid - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Bye bye

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

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By Anonymous

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By snappyPi

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By youwouldbeacat - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By Volunteer - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By nyaahaha - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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By apavies444 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

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By IMayBeAFool - United States

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

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By Tony - 2/1/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Cats rule the world

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

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By Phoellie - United Kingdom

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML

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By unknown - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I ran across the street due to a line of cars waiting for me to cross. Just as I reached the other side, my iPhone slipped out of my hand and fell into the road, just in time to get run over by multiple cars, one after the other. FML

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Top comments

By Jouralto | 4

#7502809 - Saturday 22 July 2017 8:53

Something here doesn't add up...

COMMENTS

By Jouralto | 4

#7502809 - Saturday 22 July 2017 8:53

Something here doesn't add up...