Money: Today, it was my twenty-first birthday, and a couple of friends...

By Chamorru - 11/08/2012 17:53 - Finland - Espoo

Today, it was my twenty-first birthday, and a couple of friends took me out to celebrate. After ordering us shots throughout the night, my friends took off abruptly, leaving me with my very first bar tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 599

You deserved it 2 883

Chamorru tells us more.

Chamorru 4

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Sunday 12 August 2012 4:48

I originally wrote this FML :( haha you just worded it better than me. My friends stuck me with a 500 dollar bar tab.

Money

This Charming Man

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Empathy lives

OK Shaggy

By familydisaster - 05/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 508

You deserved it 2 502

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 21:25 - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 644

You deserved it 3 418

Stalker or coincidence?

By Jenny - 08/05/2020 05:00

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 337

You deserved it 671

By Anonymous - 31/05/2012 20:53 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 578

You deserved it 44 386

It's called a calendar

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 17:31 - India - Mumbai

Today, it was my first day at my first job, I got up early, got ready, waited an hour for HR to call. I called them instead and they didn't answer, so I wrote an email to the partners. It turns out I got the first day date wrong. Some first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 371

By BarbieKen - 14/06/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 057

You deserved it 63 162

By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 914

You deserved it 33 283

IDANÄS IVAR d'you go?

By Nicole - 03/04/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 007

You deserved it 12 954

By Sarah - 01/10/2017 16:00

Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 604

You deserved it 226

By aggghghgh - 14/05/2016 08:51

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 478

You deserved it 2 090

By marsbar - 15/03/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 668

You deserved it 20 055

By theholt - 01/03/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 400

You deserved it 6 176

Livin' la vida loca

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 08:01

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he can have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 734

Deadbeat

By stepdaddydoesitbetteranyway - 13/10/2020 20:05

Today, I found out that my ex is expecting another kid. Not only is this a man who tried to hook up with me last month, he's also the one who, when I asked him to pay child support for our 2, told me that he could just "make some more". Guess he was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 125

By BirthdayGirl - 02/03/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 229

You deserved it 5 441

By Anonymous - 30/09/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 449

You deserved it 2 398

By dad, please - 16/05/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 866

You deserved it 1 549

By Anonymous - 21/03/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 104

You deserved it 4 252

By gottaflossmoreoften - 13/04/2015 15:40 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 512

You deserved it 5 739

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 325

You deserved it 2 774

Indifference

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 4 913

Nothing honey, nothing

By Anemity_is_my_name - 05/11/2020 05:02

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 12/01/2016 14:44

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 724

You deserved it 1 887

By WearingSomethingStringy - 10/04/2013 00:02 - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 126

You deserved it 12 059

By Username - 05/08/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 048

You deserved it 45 351

By really? - 01/09/2015 19:43 - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 257

You deserved it 1 620

By Username - 23/07/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 200

You deserved it 3 211

By Divorcemenow - 17/07/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 551

You deserved it 6 948

By Anonymous - 20/03/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 974

You deserved it 6 478

By anon - 27/03/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 775

You deserved it 4 748

By Donny - 04/08/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, severely tired and pulling an all-nighter, I was editing documents at work. Eventually the words blurred together and "which" began to look funny, so I corrected them. I realized too late that I'd turned in the company's brochure with every "which" spelt as "witch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 937

You deserved it 28 705

By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 275

You deserved it 6 838

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 386

You deserved it 785

They're all yours

By anonymous - 10/06/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 927

You deserved it 43 370

By Anonymous - 11/08/2019 04:00

Today, my drunk neighbor informed me that if I don't keep my skunk out of his yard, he's going to call the cops. I live in town, and it's a wild skunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 599

You deserved it 91

By appleville - 10/02/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 532

You deserved it 3 066

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 187

You deserved it 23 845

By Anonymous - 06/03/2014 02:09 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 196

You deserved it 16 801

By Illinoisgirl - 14/02/2012 14:29 - Hungary

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 158

You deserved it 3 037

By chloeguest97 - 20/09/2011 15:15 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 60 people liked this, including my boyfriend and best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 236

You deserved it 8 102

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Top comments

kitty292 9

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:19

Happy birthday! But I'm sorry. That really sucks.

fylx100 19

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:22

What dicks! Invite them again, drink as much as you can and go home and leave the tab to them

kitty292 9

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:19

Happy birthday! But I'm sorry. That really sucks.

random_jay 6

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:47

You should be sorry!

gottalovecondoms 0

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Sunday 12 August 2012 1:55

Nice job... Captain obvious.

thiscrazything 1

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Sunday 12 August 2012 2:03

Happy birthday, OP! Next time make sure you get top shelf, and leave the bill for them.

doctorhook86 24

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Sunday 12 August 2012 3:30

OP should get themselves a birthday gift of some new friends who don't ditch during their birthday.

kitty292 9

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Sunday 12 August 2012 5:01

Lol. I suppose I should tell him to go out with those same friends and leave them instead, right? Because it TOTALLY makes sense to go out again with the same people who ditched you on your birthday. Right. What happened to him really did suck and I really am sorry. Not much else to say.

ak4608 8

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Sunday 12 August 2012 20:09

Mazel tov!

expertsmilee 26

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Sunday 12 August 2012 21:48

21 aint just about bars, it's about bar tabs as well, they're just trying to teach you. Lesson learned, make sure you thank them before you kick their asses.

kut17 11

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:22

Welcome to the real world.

citymayer 7

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:35

Sorry but I live in the real world and my friends are assholes.

gantoman 13

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Sunday 12 August 2012 3:09

15-Your comment.... It's oozing with stupidity.

teameminem 2

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Sunday 12 August 2012 3:10

I live in the real world and my friends aren't assholes. I also don't drink much, but that's besides the point. Get better friends OP.

AKGirlinSD 20

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Sunday 12 August 2012 10:47

2, your comment should be followed by, "...and get new. better friends!" With wisdom, some people realize a few, really nice, trusting friends are better than having many friends who don't treat them well.

fylx100 19

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:22

What dicks! Invite them again, drink as much as you can and go home and leave the tab to them

ianbeef 11

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Sunday 12 August 2012 2:44

Although that seems right. It's childish

blcksocks 19

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Sunday 12 August 2012 8:48

You can't be too nice to people who betray you... You can call it childish if you like.

saIty 17

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:23

I see many more in the future. Trust me I am a certified psychic.

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 12 August 2012 1:43

Tell me then, when will the world end?

saIty 17

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Sunday 12 August 2012 2:49

Well 27, my senses tell me that it CAN'T end in 2012 because Kanye West would just interrupt it, and it would just keep on going.

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 12 August 2012 8:58

If you want a giggle google the Kanye West Apology Generator, fun to be had for all ages!

swankmrpancake 8

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:23

Maybe you should have kept better tabs on your friends.

jhicks123 10

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Sunday 12 August 2012 5:19

Picture fits the comment. Haha

lexiieeex3 32

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Tuesday 14 August 2012 17:17

Oh puns

MURIKKA 11

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:26

It's a pretty ingenious idea if you think about it... You think you are going out to celebrate, and by the end of it you'll be to drunk to do more than pitifully stumble after them.

MURIKKA 11

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:28

*too

BongRipsForJesus 7

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:28

*too drunk to Beat me to it :p

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:27

Was the before or after a stranger stuck his tongue in your mouth while yawning?

andijae1324 3

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Sunday 12 August 2012 17:42

Ahh i see what you did there

ThatGenericGuy 6

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:29

Two birds, right?

AlexaWuzHere 31

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:30

"Friends" you say? I always feel uncomfortable when other people pay for me, I would never be able to leave someone with my bill. That's just me though, clearly your "friends" have a different mindset.

br0ccoli 14

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Sunday 12 August 2012 5:49

12 - That's because you're a sound human being with a conscience. OP's friends? Not so much.

Enslaved 36

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Sunday 12 August 2012 0:39

Hope you kept the bill and collected their share of money from them later on. You have some shitty friends. ***If I were you, I'd start paying as you go from now on.