Animals: Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth...

By yooitscallo - United States - Pekin

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

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yooitscallo tells us more :

Haha, ironically the next day my girlfriend asked me if we could get a puppy, I couldn't even explain to her as to why I nearly threw up. Lol

Animals

Late term

BO Central

Banished

By IhatebeingtheDD - United States

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

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By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 20:06

Big boomer energy

Today, my father-in law-shared his opinion that autistic kids should be beaten until they act normal. He saw fit to share this while my autistic son was having a meltdown because my father-in-law came to the house without warning, and my son violently hates visitors without prior warning. FML

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By gettinganF - United States - Severn

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

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By Victoria

Today, my mother still refuses to acknowledge my son as her grandson, all because I had a C-section, which she says is unnatural and against God's will. I only had the C-section in the first place for health reasons. FML

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By f'ed_over - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By SayItToMyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

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25906

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 6 years. She said no. Why? She's already married. FML

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By mysterygurll1234567 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

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By Emma Five - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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By soontobehobo - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex said I had a lot in common with his new girlfriend. His new, grossly overweight, college drop-out, clinically depressed, constantly pot-smoking girlfriend. FML

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1588

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By Anonymous - United States - Belmont

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML

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By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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By Tree - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I received my soccer team jacket that I ordered a month ago. Trying to save money, I'd selected the "no name" option to avoid an extra $20 embroidering fee. My jacket now has "NO NAME" spelled out on the side of it, and I was charged the extra $20 dollars after all. FML

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By Nathan - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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By Pissed - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 05:00

Captain Dumbass

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By karmasabitch - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

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By Rae - United States - Chicago

Today, after weeks of intense studying with the intent of pulling my grades up, I saw that in fact, they've all gone down. FML

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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4357

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By tdtf - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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15699

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

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By Kimberpoo - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

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Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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Top comments

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6389413 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

So, subconsciously, you think your girlfriend is a bitch?

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6389403 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

Must have been a Ruff dream.

COMMENTS

By DEATHLORD_fml | 16

#6389396 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:52

......

By DEATHLORD_fml | 16

#6389400 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:53

Buy some puppies!

TheGreastest | 24

#6389404 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:56

Someone didn't read the FML.

vampire623 | 6

#6389599 - Sunday 23 August 2015 4:47

or they did abd they trying to be a smart @$$

By rnarshmallow | 21

#6389402 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

I've been told dreams are fears or desires, I'm glad that isn't a desire for you..

Pinkiss_fml | 21

#6389754 - Sunday 23 August 2015 6:47

Or maybe he wanted a puppy.

pedopears | 18

#6389954 - Sunday 23 August 2015 12:19

Or maybe he thinks she is a bitch.. (The one that brings puppies to the world xP)

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6389403 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

Must have been a Ruff dream.

kdgsmiley | 23

#6389555 - Sunday 23 August 2015 3:14

Can you imagine if she did that in real life? What a bitch...

By Liamj774 | 36

#6389405 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:57

The miracle of dog birth

By The_Big_Boss | 20

#6389407 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:58

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

AbtractAngela | 17

#6390530 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:06

well, no, because he clearly said he's nauseous now.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6390562 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:39

Interspecies erotica...

By alexanderavatar | 24

#6389410 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:59

imagine him in inception

By musicnole | 8

#6389411 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:01

If you get nauseous about that...I hope you don't get her pregnant!

leogachi | 15

#6389495 - Sunday 23 August 2015 1:32

@10 Watching her give birth to a human baby would probably be a lot less disturbing.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#6389660 - Sunday 23 August 2015 5:48

It might happen if they do it soggy style

Jowisee | 29

#6390526 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:04

Shouldn't good sex always be soggy? ;)

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6389413 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

So, subconsciously, you think your girlfriend is a bitch?

pjsr | 32

#6389479 - Sunday 23 August 2015 1:12

Which makes you a dirty dog daddy

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6389414 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

Did she also have as many tits as a dog?

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6389425 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:11

Reminded me of that How I Met Your Mother episode with the back boobs.

Vintage_Cola | 29

#6389439 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:31

Yiffing does not come without consequences.