Animals: Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth...

By yooitscallo - United States - Pekin

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

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yooitscallo tells us more :

Haha, ironically the next day my girlfriend asked me if we could get a puppy, I couldn't even explain to her as to why I nearly threw up. Lol

Animals

Serious times

Sorry…

Compassion

By publicenemy - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By A. - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By bald&ugly

Empathy City

Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

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2260

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By jayswizzle89 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

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By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

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By thinner than you - United States - Hillsborough

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 05:01

Move it, now!

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

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By The Dishwasher - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Freeport

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

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By whereismyprince? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 02:01 - United States

Whipping boy

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By HarrisonR - 2/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Cool

Today, while talking to a boy, he asked what my name was and in a state of panic, I said, "Daddy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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By ihatepokemon - United States

Today, my boyfriend got angry because I laughed when he asked me if he should retire from being a Pokemon Trainer. He was serious. He's also 21. FML

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By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

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By shadowsonicstar - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

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By Delicious - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

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By WOWBear - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

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45616

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By couch girl - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By MsCobb - United States - Columbus

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

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37281

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By Jeff - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

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By city_girl - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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32960

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By Busted - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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By waxer150 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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27225

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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Top comments

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6389413 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

So, subconsciously, you think your girlfriend is a bitch?

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6389403 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

Must have been a Ruff dream.

COMMENTS

By DEATHLORD_fml | 16

#6389396 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:52

......

By DEATHLORD_fml | 16

#6389400 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:53

Buy some puppies!

TheGreastest | 24

#6389404 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:56

Someone didn't read the FML.

vampire623 | 6

#6389599 - Sunday 23 August 2015 4:47

or they did abd they trying to be a smart @$$

By rnarshmallow | 21

#6389402 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

I've been told dreams are fears or desires, I'm glad that isn't a desire for you..

Pinkiss_fml | 21

#6389754 - Sunday 23 August 2015 6:47

Or maybe he wanted a puppy.

pedopears | 18

#6389954 - Sunday 23 August 2015 12:19

Or maybe he thinks she is a bitch.. (The one that brings puppies to the world xP)

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6389403 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:55

Must have been a Ruff dream.

kdgsmiley | 23

#6389555 - Sunday 23 August 2015 3:14

Can you imagine if she did that in real life? What a bitch...

By Liamj774 | 36

#6389405 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:57

The miracle of dog birth

By The_Big_Boss | 20

#6389407 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:58

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

AbtractAngela | 17

#6390530 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:06

well, no, because he clearly said he's nauseous now.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6390562 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:39

Interspecies erotica...

By alexanderavatar | 24

#6389410 - Saturday 22 August 2015 23:59

imagine him in inception

By musicnole | 8

#6389411 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:01

If you get nauseous about that...I hope you don't get her pregnant!

leogachi | 15

#6389495 - Sunday 23 August 2015 1:32

@10 Watching her give birth to a human baby would probably be a lot less disturbing.

Redoxx_fml | 22

#6389660 - Sunday 23 August 2015 5:48

It might happen if they do it soggy style

Jowisee | 29

#6390526 - Sunday 23 August 2015 23:04

Shouldn't good sex always be soggy? ;)

By SweetSociopathy | 24

#6389413 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

So, subconsciously, you think your girlfriend is a bitch?

pjsr | 32

#6389479 - Sunday 23 August 2015 1:12

Which makes you a dirty dog daddy

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#6389414 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:02

Did she also have as many tits as a dog?

I_Like_Dogs | 28

#6389425 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:11

Reminded me of that How I Met Your Mother episode with the back boobs.

Vintage_Cola | 29

#6389439 - Sunday 23 August 2015 0:31

Yiffing does not come without consequences.