Work: Today, after hours of non-stop work on an important case, I cheeringly...

By Ketchup - Finland - Turku

Today, after hours of non-stop work on an important case, I cheeringly blurted out, "And now, time for a tampon change break!" FML

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Work

Late term

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Munchausen by proxy

By Anonymous

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By jeffnn - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

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7153

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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42754

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By Juliet - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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50327

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By no good deed - 23/7/2020 20:02

It's the thought that counts

Today, I was feeling pretty down due to a recent back injury, so I thought I’d do something nice to help lift my spirits. I bought some cookies for my coworkers, who ended up not wanting any, and one of them decided to ask what was wrong with my face. Oh, right, my acne rosacea is flaring too. FML

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1382

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By Tom

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

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38065

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By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

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13959

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By cheatingapparently - 20/6/2020 23:06

Occam's razor

Today, I got an A+ on a writing assignment. My teacher asked me three times if I really did write this article myself, and didn't memorise an article from the Internet. FML

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1348

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ocoee

Today, I was talking to people around school to make new friends. I met an amazing guy and we really hit it off. He was fantastic in every way, but decided to end our conversation with, "We shall meet in the afterlife!" I don't know if I should be scared or not. FML

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17564

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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48309

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By wakinginvegas87 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

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38647

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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43616

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By mysidesaresplitting - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

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33317

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2221

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By stop thief - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

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43942

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By I must suck at singing - United States

Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML

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40363

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By 3-wheeler - United Kingdom

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

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25283

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By hazlanz216 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

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29829

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By crazydog - United Kingdom

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

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By sexisdead

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

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16899

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By Job Seeking - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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1434

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By rarara - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

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32066

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By gwengas - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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49097

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By Anonymous - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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13898

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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46619

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By Anonymous

Air Conditioned Egg on Face?

Today, I went to see the mechanic who'd just serviced my car, because it was still leaking cooling fluid. I started to explain the problem, but he stopped me and asked if I'd had the AC on. I said yes. He smiled and said lots people have this "problem" in summer. Did you know the AC releases fluid when you turn it off? I didn't. FML

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By Dana - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By soon to be unemployed - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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50585

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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34634

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By foreveralone - 10/7/2020 17:04

Waiting for that special someone

Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML

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1521

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By LY2

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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1789

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By lizann - United States - Scottsdale

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

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23390

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By NeverNumberOne

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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4736

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By undateable - 18/10/2020 02:01 - United States

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Today, I tried to drown out the petulant whining of my idiot coworker as he droned on and on about how, “bitches don’t appreciate good men.” He’s 35, lives at home, still uses the term 'friendzone' and has the hygiene of a sewer-dwelling ogre. I was written up for for snapping and yelling at him. FML

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1203

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML

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64600

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#6698925 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 11:41

Always important to take a break for five to Tena minutes. Keeps the juices flowing.

By baxeh | 29

#6698944 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 13:00

I would've just laughed if my coworker said that! Don't think too much about it, it's just something to laugh about in the future! :)

COMMENTS

By Wizardo | 33

#6698925 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 11:41

Always important to take a break for five to Tena minutes. Keeps the juices flowing.

By catlady4eva | 9

#6698929 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 11:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

201chasew | 22

#6698998 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 15:40

That is her username. the location is Western Finland.

TheNoNameGuy | 20

#6699328 - Wednesday 5 October 2016 10:13

it says Ketchup before you even tap on the post. no need for the dislikes guys

By JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6698935 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 12:26

Well hey if it's good news, why not let the world know?!

By dman798 | 18

#6698936 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 12:28

At least you were positive about it

By baxeh | 29

#6698944 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 13:00

I would've just laughed if my coworker said that! Don't think too much about it, it's just something to laugh about in the future! :)

By Goblin182 | 26

#6698959 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 13:40

FYL and everyone within hearing range. But if I had been one of them I probably would have laughed my ass off.

By maharb01 | 17

#6698965 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 13:59

just goes to show you're comfortable with your co workers, and yourself

By niilololl | 2

#6698991 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 15:32

Ja nyt... Tamponinvaihto!

By Jaelkus | 28

#6699007 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 15:58

Bloody hell

By Muppet_B | 3

#6699042 - Tuesday 4 October 2016 18:30

You must have been very absorbed in your work.