Health: Today, after going to the doctor with a knee strain and getting...

By Anonymous

Today, after going to the doctor with a knee strain and getting a brace, I managed to kick the coffee table so hard I broke two toes... on my other foot. To top it all off, my husband keeps laughing and imitating me. FML

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Noxian tells us more :

OP here, toes are doing better! Knee is still in a brace... husband escaped death. He's lucky I love him so much! ?

Health

Late term

Walk on the wild side

Gas giant

By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 20:01

Toxic parents

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By Petitprof - France

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Embarrassed - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

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By iheartvodka - United States

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

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By Dr_Dolittle - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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By sneaky1324 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

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By Hireme

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the little boy I nanny for finally stood up and went 'pee-pee on the potty'. I started cheering and clapping, making a big deal out of it. I flushed while he smiled proudly and pooped on the floor. FML

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By kmang33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Unimpressed - Australia

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

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By madari - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

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By angry - Australia

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML

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By unicornlovet - Canada - Calgary

Today, I filled in for my absent pregnant co-worker like I have done since she went on disability a month ago, at the job I’ve been doing for 15 months. Today the replacement they hired also came to work, and I had to train her since she has more experience and got the maternity leave position over me. FML

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By ledentist - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

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By anon... - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

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By Megannn - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By ramis182 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

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22976

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By goodlord12 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

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20239

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By Wellthen

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

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19280

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I came to a realization that the closest people to me in my life, the ones who are warm and welcoming, who're happy to see me, who honestly wanna know how I've been and how I feel, whose smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, are the baristas at Starbucks, not my actual 'friends'. FML

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By BFfail - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By jennybrev - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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11849

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By izhamilton - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33928

You deserved it

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By queenofdeath - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

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By Dang - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in class with a water bottle on my desk. I was on my phone not paying attention, when some girl knocked it over by accident. I went to grab it, even though it was in the corner of my eye. I caught the bottle of water but I also happened to grab her ass at the same time. FML

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By turriblebday - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7468213 - Saturday 10 June 2017 14:40

If you're from America, you might as well get your money's worth from that single visit. Otherwise, it'll cost you an arm too.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468247 - Saturday 10 June 2017 15:56

Well looks like your day started off on the wrong foot.

COMMENTS

By Tarlachia | 33

#7468213 - Saturday 10 June 2017 14:40

If you're from America, you might as well get your money's worth from that single visit. Otherwise, it'll cost you an arm too.

ScarletteEve | 33

#7468261 - Saturday 10 June 2017 16:32

She said after the doctor's visit.

Tarlachia | 33

#7468302 - Saturday 10 June 2017 18:46

Ah yes. You are correct. You'll have to excuse my slight oversight. I'm running on 4 hours of sleep in the last 2 days due to work and a sick kid.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468247 - Saturday 10 June 2017 15:56

Well looks like your day started off on the wrong foot.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7468269 - Saturday 10 June 2017 16:49

That'll put a strain on your marriage!

By sunshine1421 | 14

#7468282 - Saturday 10 June 2017 17:56

thats his way of trying to cheer you up maybe.. dont be to hard on him... also get well ive had both of those injuries (not at the same time) and they are no fun at all... speedy recovery op

Noxian | 5

#7468347 - Saturday 10 June 2017 20:44

Thanks! Already doing better, husband's been a sweet heart and my couch now has a hollow spot where I've not moved for four days! Yay!

By Noxian | 5

#7468345 - Saturday 10 June 2017 20:42

OP here, toes are doing better! Knee is still in a brace... husband escaped death. He's lucky I love him so much! ?

By yourmomwarnedu | 14

#7468365 - Saturday 10 June 2017 21:54

I mean u feel that's kind of what husband's are for :p

By Diana Bolea | 7

#7468448 - Sunday 11 June 2017 0:35

Aww poor OP

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7468976 - Monday 12 June 2017 6:05

Captain Ahab, is that you?