Today, after going to the doctor with a knee strain and getting...

By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 10:41

Today, after going to the doctor with a knee strain and getting a brace, I managed to kick the coffee table so hard I broke two toes... on my other foot. To top it all off, my husband keeps laughing and imitating me. FML

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Noxian tells us more :

OP here, toes are doing better! Knee is still in a brace... husband escaped death. He's lucky I love him so much! ?

Health

Family values

Instadrama

Billy no-mates

By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

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By jesushelpme - 22/10/2012 19:08 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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By snydeeli000 - 27/10/2015 03:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

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By OverweightTeen - 14/1/2010 06:59 - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By buckid310 - 3/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By thirdwheel - 9/7/2013 11:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By TheKunitzShow14 - 10/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

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By spinster - 16/9/2015 02:10 - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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By FractalSanity - 1/2/2009 08:11 - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 22:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

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By embarassed_chick - 24/8/2009 19:59 - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

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By Stoopiddogbot - 12/2/2013 13:18 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

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By Matt - 27/6/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I got a new dentist who started out a conversation about school. She asked where I went to school and if I liked my principal. After I told her I thought he was full of himself, she said she was married to him. FML

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By thereisnobaby - 6/10/2016 11:55 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By miji - 30/10/2018 19:42

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

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By omgdesdes - 16/11/2014 01:29 - United States - Casselberry

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

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By Thanks Fred - 18/5/2019 00:05

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By belle_arina - 8/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML

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By Mezzlegasm - 10/7/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "oh, like you're responsible for a whole family." She is. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 05:31 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was cooking something I knew would make a lot of smoke, so I asked my teenage daughter to tape a bag over the smoke detector. She said she did, so I cooked; the alarm went off and firemen came. She hadn't taped over the smoke detector, she'd taped it over the doorbell. FML

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By nyx - 27/9/2014 08:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 05:00 - United States - Houston

Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML

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By usarmywife - 17/4/2017 02:00

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By TheDumper - 21/6/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By jacques - 2/2/2010 14:08 - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

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By imsad - 6/11/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2019 16:00

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

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By justgreat - 24/3/2012 02:30 - United States - Opa Locka

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 18/5/2020 23:00

Bunged up

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 08:00

Decisions, decisions

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face and he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7468213 - Saturday 10 June 2017 14:40

If you're from America, you might as well get your money's worth from that single visit. Otherwise, it'll cost you an arm too.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468247 - Saturday 10 June 2017 15:56

Well looks like your day started off on the wrong foot.

COMMENTS

By Tarlachia | 33

#7468213 - Saturday 10 June 2017 14:40

If you're from America, you might as well get your money's worth from that single visit. Otherwise, it'll cost you an arm too.

ScarletteEve | 33

#7468261 - Saturday 10 June 2017 16:32

She said after the doctor's visit.

Tarlachia | 33

#7468302 - Saturday 10 June 2017 18:46

Ah yes. You are correct. You'll have to excuse my slight oversight. I'm running on 4 hours of sleep in the last 2 days due to work and a sick kid.

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7468247 - Saturday 10 June 2017 15:56

Well looks like your day started off on the wrong foot.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7468269 - Saturday 10 June 2017 16:49

That'll put a strain on your marriage!

By sunshine1421 | 14

#7468282 - Saturday 10 June 2017 17:56

thats his way of trying to cheer you up maybe.. dont be to hard on him... also get well ive had both of those injuries (not at the same time) and they are no fun at all... speedy recovery op

Noxian | 5

#7468347 - Saturday 10 June 2017 20:44

Thanks! Already doing better, husband's been a sweet heart and my couch now has a hollow spot where I've not moved for four days! Yay!

By Noxian | 5

#7468345 - Saturday 10 June 2017 20:42

OP here, toes are doing better! Knee is still in a brace... husband escaped death. He's lucky I love him so much! ?

By yourmomwarnedu | 14

#7468365 - Saturday 10 June 2017 21:54

I mean u feel that's kind of what husband's are for :p

By Diana Bolea | 7

#7468448 - Sunday 11 June 2017 0:35

Aww poor OP

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7468976 - Monday 12 June 2017 6:05

Captain Ahab, is that you?