To-Do List Blues

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

Capitalism kills

Fashion Police

Race against the clock

By Anonymoose - 25/12/2011 11:39 - Switzerland

19597

55301

Today, I was sick on an airplane. As we were taking off, I felt like I was ready to hurl. I was sitting in the window seat and was unable to get up in time to go to the bathroom so I was forced to grab the nearest container to puke in. It was a glass of juice belonging to the woman next to me. FML

By thompson773 - 20/4/2009 04:53 - United States

44238

9748

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

By :( - 30/5/2013 21:18 - Japan - Tokyo

44563

18078

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

1543

686

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

By ellie - 23/2/2011 07:10 - Australia

30027

2471

Today, I'll be sleeping in my car for umpteenth time this year, because my psychotic wife is again convinced that I'm sleeping with practically every woman in my state. I'm too broke to pay for a divorce, and too embarrassed to go to a friend's house. FML

By agony - 17/12/2011 03:29 - United States

36913

5856

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

By belljars - 18/4/2014 02:27 - United States - Riverside

64739

9037

Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML

By Kaboom - 21/4/2009 12:52 - Canada

60554

19619

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

By oldmama728 - 28/4/2011 11:07

33269

46137

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

By best friend! - 10/3/2012 05:12 - Canada

36412

2392

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2017 05:00

He tried.

4766

261

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 23:12 - United States

36184

16711

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

31438

3921

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

By ripmyphone - 13/1/2016 01:18 - United States - Glen Allen

24903

1674

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

By Anon - 13/6/2009 05:17 - United States

47427

7290

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

By Bullocks - 27/4/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

23120

4422

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

31365

40281

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

9772

84174

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

By etgohome - 26/8/2013 00:10 - Canada - Kingston

42083

3614

Today, after scouring my apartment for quarters to do laundry, I found the correct amount of change. The change got jammed in the washing machine. I now have no more quarters, and my clothes are caked with soap from washing them in the sink. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 18:27 - United States - New Orleans

29179

3865

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. FML

By Bucko321 - 30/3/2009 01:18 - Canada

36607

78051

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

By rebeccaremily - 4/10/2009 07:03 - Canada

12615

54550

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2012 04:18 - United States - Burnsville

29209

4207

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

By Something I said? - 5/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

29957

58796

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

2791

201

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

By alex - 13/3/2016 19:36 - United States - Seagrove

17936

1623

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 05:07 - United States

22368

72134

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

8830

59337

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

By neverdatingagain - 27/11/2016 22:07 - United States - Lake Oswego

11597

739

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

By confused - 28/9/2011 04:55 - Australia

31038

8660

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 01:02 - United States - Imperial

50744

10669

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

By litup - 4/7/2009 22:48 - United States

45589

6574

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

By taperjeangirl - 21/2/2009 23:15 - United States

43641

10488

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

30381

2102

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

By um...no? i don't think so anyway - 15/12/2013 19:16 - United States - Warren

47414

6270

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

By Stuckwiththebill - 28/1/2018 01:30

The show must go on!

6432

388

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

By CatLady - 9/6/2011 07:20 - United States

35073

5955

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

33519

3572

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

By GaymerLink - 12/8/2018 23:30

3014

144