Guess the FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

Videos

Rock, hard place

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Billy no-mates

By ryansmithho - 24/11/2010 19:06 - United States

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Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

By Taylor - 23/2/2011 02:51 - United States

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Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

By Christmasloverandstuff - 25/12/2012 17:45 - United States

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Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

By crash and burn - 1/12/2016 09:41 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

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Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2015 01:56 - United States

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Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 16:59 - United States - Harker Heights

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Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

By anon - 27/12/2013 07:28 - Canada - Saint John

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Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

By smokin - 26/7/2011 21:22 - United States

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Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

By me - 22/6/2012 07:28 - United States - Indianapolis

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Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

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Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It would have been a lot sexier had our chihuahua not decided to rim his ass as he thrust into me, causing him to break out into a case of the giggles. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 05:30 - Canada - Campbell River

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Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

By ColdFoot - 3/10/2009 06:38 - Australia

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Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

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Today, I saw that Pixar had put out a teaser trailer for Toy Story 3. I got so excited to watch it that had to go lay in bed for a few minutes in order to calm myself down. I'm 19 years old. FML

By LALALALA - 29/5/2009 21:08 - United States

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Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

By tmac - 4/4/2009 01:42 - United States

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Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

By Nikki - 8/6/2019 22:00

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Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

By Janet - 10/3/2009 13:02 - United States

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Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 16:10 - United States

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Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

By Lala - 8/12/2015 08:30 - United States - Denver

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Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

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Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:26 - United Kingdom - Gorebridge

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Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

By soccerbuddyz - 3/8/2011 04:04 - United States

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Today, I was deceived into a contract to "edit" porn. It was sick, disgusting material which stirred up all my sexual-abuse-survivor issues and made me retch. When I went to my husband to tell him what happened, his only comment was "Is it hot?" FML

By BloodyButUnbowed - 24/11/2019 03:00

Sex, Different idea

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Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

By lazy pregnant girl - 5/7/2012 19:34 - United States

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Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

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Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

By Username - 18/2/2011 09:33

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Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

By gotitEVERYWHERE - 8/3/2010 22:40 - United States

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Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

By notyourcleaner - 13/1/2015 11:06 - Malaysia - Puchong

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Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

By a.white - 11/12/2013 11:58 - United States - Cheltenham

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Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 19:41 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

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Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

By non-baker - 18/3/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

By Kidsthesedays - 9/11/2015 19:33 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

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Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 18:21 - United States

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Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

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Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 10:07 - United States

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Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

By MrTandy - 16/9/2011 02:38 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

By Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/7/2018 01:30

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