FML: The Showdown #2

Today, my heating broke. It's 22 degrees outside, and my father won't let us call someone to fix it because apparently the cold helps the soul grow. FML

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By vikhelios - France

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2973

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

By Appelflap - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

36485

2774

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

By moonbears - United States - Portland

22978

2793

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

By Anonymous - South Africa

39734

2144

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

By adogg18 - United States

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15351

Today, I was cleaning my older brothers room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand, FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Elora

7360

1539

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

50503

6518

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

By Lori - United States - Littleton

24657

1957

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

By avoid the sour cream - United States

38606

2819

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

By Schaf_12 - Austria - Vienna

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5140

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

By anonymous - United States - Lubbock

31218

3250

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

By saraleerocha - France

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14269

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

By Traumatized - Israel

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6044

Today, while sitting at a red light with my window down, the asshat next to me flicked his still-lit cigarette away. It landed in my car and wedged between me and my seat. It burned a hole in my shirt and my seat, and burned my back and hair. FML

By Seriously? - United States - Irvine

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3511

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

By Ouch

Great balls of fire

5899

1978

Today, we were all put in groups to make a presentation together. And by "together" I mean I pulled an all nighter to finish it by myself. My group criticized my work. FML

By aloneagainnaturally - Denmark - S?borg

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2109

Today, my mother-in-law started chasing my kids around her house to make them smell her freshly-washed underwear. They were thongs. FML

By bleachingmykidsbrains - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

By myself - Canada

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3928

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - United States

15746

972

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

By goingdownhillfast

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294

Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML

By Screwed - South Africa

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19200

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

By FourKnees - United States

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4204

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

By fuck you, dad - United States - Bellflower

35716

18516

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Southport

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4079

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

By frankie - Canada

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Today, I went to pick up my long distance boyfriend at the airport. It has been over six months since I last saw him and four days since I last heard from him. He never showed up. FML

By Leftattheairport

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301

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

By habsgurl0622 - United States - Piedmont

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Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29541

16783

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

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3838

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

By CROCKIN5150 - United States

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2290

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

By hoho5191 - United States

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69134

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

By MrsGrinch

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237

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

By FailedEngineer - Australia

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Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

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3136

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - New Zealand

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Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

By High school senior

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886

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bloomdale

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4380

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

By Damn - Australia

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