FML: The Showdown #2

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 15:25

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Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

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Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 15:10 - United States - Altamonte Springs

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Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

By jenabp - 3/1/2011 18:56 - United States

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Today, I got back to my car with a note cussing me out for parking in a disabled space when I’m clearly not disabled. They also smashed my windows. It’s true, I’m not disabled, but I also wasn’t parked in a disabled space. I was parked in a normal space next to the disabled spaces. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2018 15:00

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Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

By life_sucks - 16/1/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

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Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

By Unemployed - 16/10/2011 07:15 - United States

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Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

By Mack - 31/8/2009 04:06 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 05:02 - United States

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Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 06:00

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Today, I discovered that my girlfriend, who I've dated for 6 years, is getting engaged to my friend. The very same "friend" who's been encouraging me to break up with her for the past year. FML

By anonymous - 17/1/2010 16:22 - Austria

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Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

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Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

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Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

By marriedbutlonely - 15/2/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

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Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

By -_- - 5/7/2013 21:59 - United States - Munith

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Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 00:02 - United States

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Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

By Username - 22/4/2011 14:42

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Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - 23/11/2013 18:33 - United States - Hillsboro

Germaphobe

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Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

By BW - 3/1/2010 16:04 - United States

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Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

By Derek Lee - 22/5/2011 13:53 - United States

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Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

By hahasuckit - 25/12/2009 06:30 - United States

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Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

By happyshit - 13/10/2011 07:27 - United States

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Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

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Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

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Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 05:44 - United States

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Today, my boss fired me after chewing me out for the horrible date he had with my mother. FML

By fired - 13/5/2014 14:29 - United States - Millis

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Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

By Wet Britches - 24/11/2016 01:32 - United States - Portland

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Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

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Today, thanks to my new anti-anxiety meds, I am finally no longer agoraphobic. Today also marks 5 weeks of constant diarrhea due to the same meds. Guess who's not leaving the house anytime soon. FML

By Phobia - 29/12/2017 15:00

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Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

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Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

By yobruh - 17/5/2011 04:54

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Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

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Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

By mairelys - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

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Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML

By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 14:38 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

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Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

By Ryoichi - 17/9/2015 11:13 - Germany

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Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. After assessing the loss, I saw a taunting note on the fridge saying, "Locks work best when the door's SHUT." My housekeeper had apparently left the door wide open. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Bessemer

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Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

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Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

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Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

By ewww - 3/12/2009 05:59 - United States

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Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

By JJAnd - 28/8/2011 06:37 - United States

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