Be Cool

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

Noise

Car Wars

Minefield

By milkymoo - 30/5/2011 01:45 - Cyprus

12588

49679

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

By Jack - 3/4/2013 21:40

37452

5108

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

By lovesucks - 1/9/2009 12:52 - Australia

50957

4224

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

By SchwesterGrimm - 19/6/2016 21:41

13236

942

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 22:00

The Girl Can't Help It

1716

183

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

By noooo - 8/8/2011 07:10 - United States

31905

2687

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

By sonwhy - 25/2/2014 00:51 - United States - Brookfield

39564

7221

Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML

By Jedi - 20/2/2009 06:16 - United States

54183

2719

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

1579

402

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

By red - 27/9/2012 11:37 - United States - Portland

24957

8208

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

By Titatoum - 17/1/2015 21:12 - Belgium - Brussels

32796

5742

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

By thissucks - 14/9/2009 01:00 - United States

12447

67760

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

By Chels - 24/5/2019 04:00

2167

505

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 02:15 - United States

8830

59334

Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML

By me - 20/4/2015 01:46 - Canada

34276

3207

Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML

By Anonymous - 30/3/2015 10:30 - United States - Cincinnati

43020

3759

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

By Savannah - 15/6/2011 00:07 - United States

9930

54915

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

By InsaneIdiots - 7/6/2019 04:10

2859

161

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 6/4/2012 00:41 - United States

27810

5093

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 19:53 - United States - New Albany

27823

1903

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

62776

9404

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 09:20 - Ireland

32110

4472

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

By Drai Gray - 24/6/2019 14:12

672

2946

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

5637

2796

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

By mitchellcrawford - 31/5/2016 18:05 - United States - San Francisco

7035

9995

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

By TT - 19/4/2009 20:48 - United States

59558

2577

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 20:00

1717

179

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 13:00 - United States - Atlanta

13308

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1307

Today, I got rear-ended at a stoplight by a woman who had been doing her make-up while driving. She didn't get out to see if I was okay until she had finished perfectly applying both lipliner and gloss. FML

By disturbed - 10/5/2009 09:56 - United States

58737

2697

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

By DFR - 9/6/2010 13:05 - United States

41502

23637

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

By Poser - 20/12/2009 04:24 - Canada

6202

45984

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

By WhyTheEff - 20/11/2009 23:50 - United States

35399

3066

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

By Ambar - 15/2/2010 17:02 - Canada

28619

2743

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

By hurley - 27/2/2011 10:10 - Australia

29918

9877

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

By NotAGoodDay - 10/8/2016 18:57 - United Kingdom - Sudbury

14476

1098

Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 02:40 - United States

8991

57592

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

By Anonymous - 26/5/2015 15:12 - United States - San Francisco

29677

2897

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

By cul8erqtpie20 - 3/1/2012 16:35 - United States

35163

4694

Today, I bumped into my parents at the mall. They didn't tell me they were around. I live 5,000 miles away, in a different country from them. FML

By Coolios - 24/6/2013 14:16 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

63729

3887