Be Cool

Today, we were having a school prize giving. I heard my name called and I walked up to the stage waving and smiling, feeling rather proud of myself. I stood by the microphone and started my acceptance speech, only to be tapped on the shoulder by the girl they actually called up. FML

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Commando

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Jessey - United Kingdom

23742

47741

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

By pikachu - United States

29494

4491

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

By newlysingle - United States

57694

3610

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

By Raaaaage - United States - Torrance

31022

2123

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

1385

101

Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

By amused - Canada - Toronto

46465

8722

Today, while driving on the tollway my car overheated and died a few yards from the toll booth. I then had to wait, crying, in my smoking car for a patrol guy while cars moved around me. He had to push me through the toll and the lady in the booth said she felt sorry for me but still took my $3. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Pay up!

35339

5104

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

By Anonymous - United States

39556

2648

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

By Butter_Cup - United States

43699

2787

Today, my mom took a picture of me. All she could say about the picture was, "At least your sister is pretty." FML

By MH - Norway - Sandnes

43925

3956

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at a local firm owned by two partners. The secretary told me to be there at around 12:00 to 12:30 pm, so I arrived at 12:15. The first boss told me off for being early, the other one yelled at me for being late. FML

By whatisthisidonteven - Israel - Ramat Gan

26876

2600

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

By poorcollegestudent - Canada

31128

9617

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

37956

2908

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

25281

1730

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

By ripfluffy - United States

74486

9989

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

By Anonymous - United States

32985

3112

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

By yourekillingme - United States - Mission

23811

1460

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

By Hunter cat

2276

357

Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML

By Mary - United States

43238

6780

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

By Oh dear... - United States

40211

4058

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

By DC - United States - Sioux City

14795

1512

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

By Katrina - United States

48413

9510

Today, I found a note on the front door of my flat saying, "You left your keys in your garage door so I put them in your letter box". Guess where my letter box key is. FML

By steph - China

27883

6632

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

6703

612

Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

By High school senior

2650

890

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36768

4570

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Merrimack

21685

2398

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

By Anonymous - Australia

29640

4590

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

By Soaked - United States

46129

7980

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

By yuck - United Kingdom

30951

17371

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

By Anonymous

1998

120

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

By mysea8679 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

48362

7454

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

By BG1059 - United States - Irving

15241

2033

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

By Anonymous - Denmark

43272

3573

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

By Pottymouth - United States

64937

24477

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

By Kyle - United States

13881

35854

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

By Anonymous - Singapore

41671

3812

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

By Kenny - Nigeria - Lagos

39372

8303

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Muncie

30657

2205