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Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

#19936728
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15693) - you deserved it (4002)

On 07/14/2012 at 10:43am - health - by Anonymous - Japan (Tokyo)

Today, my wife is pregnant and sick. She switches from sobbing she's sorry for that, to blaming me for "doing this to me." On top of that, I have half her symptoms now: throwing up and crying for no reason. This will be a long 9 months. FML

#20443596
153 comments

Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

#19987585
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15687) - you deserved it (1689)

On 07/27/2012 at 3:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Midlothian)

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

#76
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15684) - you deserved it (78091)

On 10/27/2008 at 12:57am - intimacy - by Daemon - Sent from mobile version

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

#14403939
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15680) - you deserved it (6420)

On 12/31/2010 at 1:13am - misc - by brenami (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

#19597965
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15679) - you deserved it (4596)

On 05/09/2012 at 3:34pm - love - by chieftain (man) - Norway (Vestfold)

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

#20941432
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15679) - you deserved it (41405)

On 11/01/2013 at 2:52pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

#20089585
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15678) - you deserved it (1239)

On 09/26/2012 at 1:37pm - work - by Anonymous - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

#19874038
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15677) - you deserved it (4491)

On 07/01/2012 at 12:30am - animals - by emi -

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

#20168543
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15674) - you deserved it (1265)

On 11/18/2012 at 7:47pm - misc - by mountains - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

#20117850
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15663) - you deserved it (2374)

On 10/15/2012 at 9:10am - kids - by Reihna (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

#5977598
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15662) - you deserved it (2040)

On 10/24/2009 at 5:23pm - intimacy - by this_is_fucked (woman) - Zimbabwe (Mashonaland East)

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

#19694666
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15661) - you deserved it (10592)

On 05/28/2012 at 6:00pm - kids - by Shianna (woman) - United States (Maine)



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  • "If drawing stuff is the food of love, then get a better pencil." That's not a real expression, I just made it up because I needed a good opening line. It's not even that good of an opening line, but…

Thursday 10 April 2014

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