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Only the FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

by Yoooooo0 / 11/29/2009 at 1:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2012 at 9:34pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2015 at 12:56pm / Netherlands (Limburg) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

by holyshart / 06/05/2012 at 5:03am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

by useless pos / 02/28/2013 at 7:48pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had the most excitement I have felt in the last two months when I went to a drugstore and they had my favourite bandaids. FML

by BananaCoconutty / 05/16/2015 at 12:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my Dad and I killed a cockroach with a large metal pole. It was the most bonding experience we have ever had. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2012 at 11:29pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

by Anonymous / 10/26/2009 at 11:15pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

by untitledentity / 05/24/2009 at 12:03pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

by Reno / 04/15/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2016 at 12:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

by samantha / 03/03/2009 at 7:18pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2009 at 11:16pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

by FMyThroat / 01/17/2013 at 7:39pm / Peru (Lima) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/21/2009 at 11:38pm / United States (Delaware) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

by santasadiekins / 08/17/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

by ouch / 12/19/2013 at 11:41pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2014 at 10:21am / United States / Transportation

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2013 at 5:39pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML

by Anonymous / 05/10/2014 at 9:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

by mcds2 / 03/18/2013 at 4:28am / United States / Love

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2014 at 12:42pm / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Holidays

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

by pregnantapparently / 12/10/2015 at 1:45pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

by lovefool / 01/12/2011 at 5:58am / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Love

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

by Tanuki_paws / 08/26/2012 at 5:05pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2011 at 3:21am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

by ReboundGrl / 05/23/2016 at 2:44pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

by lilithfaye / 11/02/2012 at 12:35pm / United States / Love

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

by Catie / 05/13/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

by new name / 11/06/2012 at 5:03pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

by Rollymouth / 09/01/2010 at 9:26pm / Love

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

by Bunsofpain / 06/16/2016 at 2:56pm / United States / Health

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

by Anonymous / 04/20/2014 at 1:58pm / United Kingdom (Wigan) / Love

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

by Court / 02/21/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

by thank god you'll only live once / 11/08/2013 at 3:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, my life is so boring that I started looking through my can of coins and sorting them out by year. The oldest coin I have is from 1963. FML

by Gibbster_ / 06/20/2014 at 1:05am / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2011 at 5:02pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2016 at 8:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

by struckbystarzz / 03/27/2015 at 9:12am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

by Jean / 12/22/2011 at 3:09am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Love

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