Random FML

By anonymous - 14/05/2012 10:31 - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

agreeclassic 40 707

vote type 1 6 425

Gimme a break

By Everything Counts - 23/02/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I walked out on my lunch break to see my steering column destroyed and my back passenger window broken. I'm supposed to be reuniting my foster son with his family tomorrow. Now I need a rental and a shot of something strong to get through this week. FML

agreeclassic 478

vote type 1 84

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 17:35 - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

agreeclassic 26 410

vote type 1 12 882

Tasty snack ideas

By Stellarum - 18/08/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

agreeclassic 44 646

vote type 1 4 231

By Dani - 12/01/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. Nine hours later, I found my extra key. FML

agreeclassic 28 536

vote type 1 6 065

Toxic parenting done right

By I have identified the source - 18/10/2022 19:00 - United States

Today, I finally confronted my parents about my depression and avoidant personality disorder. I showed them a well-kept journal of every time they've disregarded my feelings on something completely valid. I'd worked on this journal since I was ten years old. They denied it all and told me to "quit being a crybaby." FML

agreeclassic 1 131

vote type 1 246

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

agreeclassic 37 746

vote type 1 6 148

Hammerhead

By Ezzie - 29/08/2018 03:30

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

agreeclassic 1 512

vote type 1 2 881

Wrong place, wrong time

By And you think I'M crazy? - 22/04/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

agreeclassic 54 125

vote type 1 6 295

By Michelle - 28/08/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

agreeclassic 69 865

vote type 1 17 489

Close-knit family unit

By Anonymous - 27/05/2022 09:00 - United Kingdom - Redcar

Today, I woke up to my sister with her hand wrapped gently around my balls, saying, “Don’t lie or I’ll squeeze.” She wanted to know if I’d eaten her strawberries. I said no. She'd looked my bin and saw the empty packet. She looked back at me and squeezed. The pain made me late for work. FML

agreeclassic 449

vote type 1 3 302

By Flopera - 12/05/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

agreeclassic 3 116

vote type 1 2 085

Congratulations…?

By beka - 07/01/2019 12:00

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

agreeclassic 2 220

vote type 1 277

By Jason199615 - 17/04/2012 18:11 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

agreeclassic 41 423

vote type 1 2 728

Parenting done right

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 03:59

Today, my husband was surprised to learn that I am planning on celebrating our daughter's first day at school. He is now pissed that we did not "decide on this together." Who doesn't celebrate their child's first school day? FML

agreeclassic 775

vote type 1 440

Bushy

By bluedevil26 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

agreeclassic 50 132

vote type 1 12 776

By Jorgen - 18/12/2015 01:45 - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

agreeclassic 23 837

vote type 1 2 344

By LoadingMeows - 23/09/2016 01:17 - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

agreeclassic 12 898

vote type 1 1 925

By Chelstable - 02/08/2016 17:57

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

agreeclassic 14 740

vote type 1 1 504

By mugged - 20/03/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

agreeclassic 40 448

vote type 1 4 858

By Anonymoose - 19/08/2016 20:06

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

agreeclassic 14 734

vote type 1 998

By Anonymous - 12/05/2016 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was extremely angry. He found a naked photograph of me online that he thought I'd been sending to other guys. It wasn't me. FML

agreeclassic 15 124

vote type 1 1 211

Going too fast

By Anonymous - 15/11/2022 12:00

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to get married and have kids soon. She had a fit. Apparently it's creepy and freakish for a man to want a family, and it means I'm secretly a crazy religious fundamentalist. Huh? FML

agreeclassic 1 065

vote type 1 162

By mel_bear_ - 14/03/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

agreeclassic 25 339

vote type 1 2 600

Toxic workplace

By Anonymous - 08/01/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

agreeclassic 10 379

vote type 1 31 489

Crap

By Anonymous - 18/04/2024 22:00 - Germany

Today, I live in my own house, but on my mom’s property. Whether I look outside towards the south, west, or east, I always look upon some ugly crap my mom has lying around. Except the north. On that side, it’s the neighbors’ crap. FML

agreeclassic 314

vote type 1 340

Cosplay? COSPLAY??

By Shoryugeki III - 07/08/2018 14:30

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

agreeclassic 3 768

vote type 1 234

By campmom - 08/07/2009 05:02

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

agreeclassic 49 426

vote type 1 3 840

By Anonymous - 25/08/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I was the designated driver. On the way home with my drunk friends, they decide to give me a beer shower. I swerved, and was pulled over by a cop moments after. I was the only one arrested. FML

agreeclassic 36 172

vote type 1 3 491

By nakedness - 11/12/2011 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

agreeclassic 12 483

vote type 1 32 168

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Top

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

agreeclassic 3 024

vote type 1 243

Today, the self-checkout machine at the grocery store kept yelling, “PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN BAGGING AREA” while I frantically tried to scan everything. An employee came over and said a bit too loudly, “Ma’am, you have to scan the condoms before bagging them.” Of course there were people around to giggle. FML

agreeclassic 152

vote type 1 426

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

agreeclassic 30 886

vote type 1 4 093

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

agreeclassic 39 114

vote type 1 4 479

Today, I got blown off by my “exclusive partner” on the night of my birthday supper, only to find out he went on a Tinder date with my friend. FML

agreeclassic 894

vote type 1 138

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

agreeclassic 26 865

vote type 1 4 291