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Only FMLs I didn't vote on | All the FMLs

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

#697390
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64213) - you deserved it (4033)

On 03/30/2009 at 2:10am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

#7231229
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44839) - you deserved it (3010)

On 01/09/2010 at 3:40am - misc - by Fran (woman) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, my boyfriend and I were flipping through magazines and got on the topic of how airbrushed the girls were. My boyfriend then pointed out all of the flaws on my body that would need to be airbrushed away if I was in a magazine. FML

#13795163
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26237) - you deserved it (4203)

On 11/10/2010 at 9:49pm - misc - by lala - United States (Indiana)

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

#7354954
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27787) - you deserved it (2639)

On 01/15/2010 at 7:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

#20400784
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20175) - you deserved it (4252)

On 12/15/2012 at 1:43pm - misc - by oh gee, you don't say (woman) - United Kingdom (Southampton)

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

#7493259
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23113) - you deserved it (7705)

On 01/22/2010 at 2:32am - misc - by noooooo (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

#20555313
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35389) - you deserved it (2720)

On 03/22/2013 at 5:53pm - misc - by sickness and health my sphincter (woman) - Singapore

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

#20957216
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49060) - you deserved it (2678)

On 11/14/2013 at 2:18am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

#13204621
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23204) - you deserved it (3002)

On 09/26/2010 at 1:45am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Dakota)

Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML

#17418352
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35027) - you deserved it (5361)

On 08/09/2011 at 1:38pm - misc - by iliketoastalot - United States (New York)

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

#7905644
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5705) - you deserved it (49718)

On 02/05/2010 at 1:22pm - misc - by goldenshower (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

#10813076
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7907) - you deserved it (37753)

On 05/28/2010 at 12:30am - animals - by Teresa (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

#14533477
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8101) - you deserved it (36016)

On 01/10/2011 at 2:06pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - Denmark (Midtjyllen)

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

#13417428
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29756) - you deserved it (7434)

On 10/12/2010 at 5:26am - misc - by babydoll (woman) - United Kingdom (Fife)

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

#19180837
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24188) - you deserved it (6174)

On 02/28/2012 at 6:55am - love - by Susan - Canada (Ontario)

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