Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

by anon / 08/02/2016 at 11:28pm / Work

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

by M3DO / 08/02/2016 at 9:04pm / Work

Today, I found out that the woman who has been secretly sexting my husband for the last two months is my new co-worker. I have to train her. FML

by CinnamonBunny / 08/02/2016 at 9:27am / Love

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

by I guess not / 08/02/2016 at 9:24am / Love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

by sick and lonely / 08/26/2016 at 11:19pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, my soon-to-be ex-wife decided she'll be moving into my apartment complex. She always goes out of her way to pick fights with me every chance she gets, has alienated my children from me and has made what should be a very simple divorce into a ridiculously long and contentious one. FML

by still_not_divorced / 08/26/2016 at 9:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

by UnderAcheiver / 08/26/2016 at 4:46pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML

by ThankfullyNotKickedOut / 08/26/2016 at 2:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

bblumenstein's comment : They shouldn't have been there, but you always check the oven. It's rule #1

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Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

by ihatekids / 07/14/2016 at 4:43pm / Kids

2016/08/12
Blog

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

by swervelol / 07/14/2016 at 3:06pm / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

by poongoon / 07/13/2016 at 12:11am / Animals

klutzyduck1's comment : People are so stupid some times. I had a person come up to me at work while I was in the middle of arresting another person saying a toddler was left alone in a car by himself. It was 70 degrees, the windows were down, the "toddler" was ten and his dad was talking to a person in the car in the stall. On the other hand, I don't get why people insist on bringing their pets everywhere with them when it's a 100 degrees out. Whoever broke your window should be arrested for criminal mischief, call the police, that's what they are there for.

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Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

by Killme / 07/12/2016 at 10:10pm / Love