Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2016 at 8:04pm / Kids

Today, after not moving at work all day, I decided to be healthy and walk home. Now my thighs are numb from rubbing together. FML

by ChubbyPanda / 08/08/2016 at 6:49pm / Health

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

by Redhottt6 / 08/04/2016 at 9:24pm / Miscellaneous

EsotericAura's comment : So is he dating your daughter; is she a stripper there; or did he just happen to run into her there?

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Today, I parked in my "employee of the month" parking spot by the front of the store and started my shift. About halfway through my shift, a customer backed into my vehicle, got out and checked, then drove off before I could come outside. Perks of being the best employee I can be. FML

by Thomas P. / 08/27/2016 at 12:49pm / Work

Today, after months of eating lunch with my best friend, going to Barnes and Noble, and having to poop while I was there, I realized I've trained myself to have to poop every single time I step into a Barnes and Noble. FML

by nes0385 / 08/27/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I found out my father's girlfriend is moving in with us. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend. FML

by MissMoonpie / 08/27/2016 at 8:21am / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Love

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

by JTinNJ / 08/27/2016 at 7:57am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

Garnetshaddow's comment : I suppose that depends on his definition of "purpose." Does he ever want to have sex with you again? He may change his answer.

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

by outofluckatcollege / 08/27/2016 at 3:33am / United States (Texas) / Love

2016/08/12
Blog

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

by young and dumb / 08/27/2016 at 2:27am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

baxeh's comment : Well good news is, since he got drunk enough on your special day, to be put in jail before you consummated your marriage, you could probably get it annulled quite easily... If he's lied to you about his legal troubles before he's probably not gonna stop any time soon OP. Best of luck to you.

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Today, my boyfriend showed me his need for speed. It was amazing, except he showed it to me with my new car while running away from the cops. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I share it with a guy I've been seeing for over six months. I showed up with a handmade pie and a gift bag. His ex-girlfriend accepted it for him, as he was busy. FML

by lostmykeys / 08/03/2016 at 6:44pm / Love