Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

by Binkplugged / 07/05/2016 at 2:01pm / Miscellaneous

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

by srhoa01 / 07/05/2016 at 2:42am / Kids

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

by itchtoscratch / 07/04/2016 at 12:14am / Intimacy

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2016 at 7:22pm / Holidays

Today, I backed into my brother's car and shattered his passenger window. I drove across the state to get a new door with matching paint, followed by 7 hours of hot, humid weather while installing the new setup. After all was done, I rolled down the window to test its integrity. It shattered. FML

by jebs03 / 07/01/2016 at 12:46am / Transportation

2016/08/17
Blog

Today, I went to the store, but after I'd selected my items, I saw that I'd forgotten my wallet. When I tried to explain to the cashier, he thought that I was trying to steal and called the cops. My roommate had to come to the store to save me. FML

by clip_kate / 06/30/2016 at 10:36pm / Money

Tripartita's comment : "That'll be thirty seven dollars and eighty one cents." "Okay. …Actually, I think my wallet is at home. Could I run back and grab it? If you need me to, I'll put the ite—" "STOP! THEIF! COPS! HERE, COPS, I'M CALLING YOUUUU!" "Look, I'm not taking anything with me! How is that thievery? I'm just going to leave!" "YOU CAN'T LEAVE! You have to stay here, stealing these items until the cops or a roommate come!"

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Today, my parents lectured me for wanting to wear sneakers to a wedding. The wedding is on a farm. FML

by so_this_is_me / 06/30/2016 at 2:21pm / Miscellaneous

Magnoxidans's comment : Just because it's on a farm, doesn't mean you can automatically wear whatever you like. The people getting married likely chose the farm because it was significant to them, you should have followed normal wedding attire unless told otherwise.

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Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

by Raset24 / 06/30/2016 at 1:40pm / Work

2016/08/12
Blog

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

by sillymink / 08/19/2016 at 10:06pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a pharmacist slut-shamed me for taking birth control. I'm still a virgin, and I only take those pills to help with my acne and period cramps. FML

by CyberPsycho / 08/19/2016 at 4:57pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

InfiniteSunshine's comment : I'd report her/him, they're a pharmacist, they're supposed to remain professional and helpful. They should not be working in that field if they are going to be a judgmental jerk. Even if you weren't a virgin, the reasons you take birth control is your own damn busniess.

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Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

by You're Not a Wizard / 06/30/2016 at 8:29am / Work

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