Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

by Egtat216 / 07/29/2016 at 6:03pm / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

by NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus / 07/29/2016 at 5:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked. Unfortunately, by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2016 at 4:33pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I threw a party. My drunk boyfriend decided to bring my 50-inch flatscreen TV downstairs from our bedroom. The TV didn't make it. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2016 at 3:30pm / United States / Money

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

by Toroka / 07/29/2016 at 2:59pm / Love

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2016 at 2:10pm / Intimacy

deathstroke990's comment : the real question is, why tf would you mention a porn stars name while playing that game with your family? ?????

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Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

by icefly / 07/29/2016 at 11:39am / United States (Florida) / Transportation

powaaah77's comment : Get the cops involved. The business owner will have to give away who hit your car as he would otherwise be charged with obstruction of justice for withholding important information about a crime.

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Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML

by mrsimintrouble / 07/29/2016 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Work

Elielili's comment : Unless they gave you proper instructions on how to do it you're not to blame. Granted, someone should've stayed with you just in case.

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Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

by Sarah-D / 07/29/2016 at 1:31am / Transportation

Today, I was fired from my job because my boss "doesn't think I'm happy there". FML

by someonesometime / 07/29/2016 at 12:14am / United States (Montana) / Work

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breath again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped up. which was "I'm sorry I don't know how to swallow." FML

by chickfilady / 07/28/2016 at 11:10pm / Work

Today I found out that my mail man put my medicine (I order by mail) in another man's mailbox. The man has already eaten all the pills. Now I have a high neighbor shitting on my lawn and no meds. FML

by MyLifeSucks / 07/28/2016 at 9:21pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

by Yocherrypicker / 07/28/2016 at 9:04pm / Miscellaneous