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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

#21116112
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3348) - you deserved it (7445)

On 04/18/2014 at 7:09am - health - by Ow (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

#21116013
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5603) - you deserved it (1634)

On 04/18/2014 at 1:37am - misc - by Fatass - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

#21115891
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12806) - you deserved it (4811)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

lat1404's comment : It's weird that they know when you masturbate

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Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

#21115862
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17097) - you deserved it (1388)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:31pm - kids - by mommy (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

#21115855
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15570) - you deserved it (1871)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:27pm - intimacy - by belljars (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

#21115731
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13451) - you deserved it (1156)

On 04/17/2014 at 7:24pm - money - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

#21115571
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27383) - you deserved it (2186)

On 04/17/2014 at 3:59pm - work - by badessaymyass (man) - United States (Arizona)

TrippingOnAcid's comment : Logic.

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Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

#21115410
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20646) - you deserved it (5899)

On 04/17/2014 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)

Pleonasm's comment : Just wait until OP finds out that her pet didn't go to live on a farm.

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Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

#21115090
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31097) - you deserved it (2345)

On 04/16/2014 at 11:14pm - love - by exasperated (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. There were two very attractive waiters. They waited until I went to the toilet to sit down, talk to my friends and hit on them. They promptly left upon my return. Men avoid me. FML

#21114882
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29004) - you deserved it (3139)

On 04/16/2014 at 8:00pm - love - by kittykat798 (woman) - United Kingdom (Dundee City)

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

#21114779
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31885) - you deserved it (2627)

On 04/16/2014 at 6:03pm - intimacy - by MILF (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

#21114561
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30559) - you deserved it (2709)

On 04/16/2014 at 1:24pm - misc - by birthdaygirl - United States (California)



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