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Today, I got back from a two day trip in which I left my husband and kids at home. There's fresh vomit inside of my oven, and my 4 year old son has a mullet. FML

#21347579
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8238) - you deserved it (813)

On 02/01/2015 at 12:50am - misc - by neverleavingagain (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

#21347496
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7790) - you deserved it (537)

On 01/31/2015 at 9:43pm - health - by Lunab123 (woman) - United States (Maryland)

wildgenius's comment : Did you vomit in the oven?

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Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

#21347486
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8276) - you deserved it (2097)

On 01/31/2015 at 9:29pm - misc - by WalkTheOtherWay - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was at an interview for one of the top universities in the U.S. Everything was going great until I choked on my own saliva and almost threw up on the interviewer. FML

Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

#21347237
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7918) - you deserved it (3671)

On 01/31/2015 at 10:13am - kids - by cooploops - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

#21347235
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12214) - you deserved it (947)

On 01/31/2015 at 10:08am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

#21347212
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10900) - you deserved it (983)

On 01/31/2015 at 8:12am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Belgium

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

#21347104
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11104) - you deserved it (1066)

On 01/31/2015 at 12:38am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

MetalxSoldier's comment : Tell your grandpa it's ok, you have the key.

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Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

#21347069
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13143) - you deserved it (2829)

On 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm - intimacy - by The Soul Of A Damned Queef (woman) - United States (California)

ItsAUnicorn's comment : You told him 'dirty'. Now only your definition of dirty has to match with his definition!

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Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

#21347009
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14755) - you deserved it (903)

On 01/30/2015 at 8:25pm - work - by Anonymous - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

#21346989
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12100) - you deserved it (3200)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:51pm - kids - by 3722145 (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my beloved dog. Why? Yesterday she asked me who I'd choose, and I honestly said that I would choose the dog. FML

#21346972
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14433) - you deserved it (8410)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:13pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Oregon)



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