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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

#21347069
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (1991) - you deserved it (351)

On 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm - intimacy - by The Soul Of A Damned Queef (woman) - United States (California)

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

#21347009
17 comments

I agree, your life sucks (2156) - you deserved it (115)

On 01/30/2015 at 8:25pm - work - by Anonymous - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

#21346989
15 comments

I agree, your life sucks (1804) - you deserved it (402)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:51pm - kids - by 3722145 (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my beloved dog. Why? Yesterday she asked me who I'd choose, and I honestly said that I would choose the dog. FML

#21346972
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6942) - you deserved it (4017)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:13pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Oregon)

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

#21346970
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3836) - you deserved it (6959)

On 01/30/2015 at 7:11pm - health - by not a cancerous pimple - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

#21346952
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10435) - you deserved it (1084)

On 01/30/2015 at 6:31pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Iowa)

DocBastard's comment : Your brother is a strange individual. My sister has been married twice and has 3 children, but in my head she's never had sex. Not even once.

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Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML

Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML

#21346882
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13057) - you deserved it (2459)

On 01/30/2015 at 4:15pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

amehl977's comment : "let it go"

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Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

#21346857
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13534) - you deserved it (1264)

On 01/30/2015 at 3:16pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Retaheki's comment : Sounds like Kanye West.

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Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

#21346806
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12957) - you deserved it (876)

On 01/30/2015 at 1:11pm - misc - by lonesomegal (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

#21346789
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16414) - you deserved it (1831)

On 01/30/2015 at 12:41pm - kids - by Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML

#21346763
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17026) - you deserved it (1586)

On 01/30/2015 at 11:27am - misc - by Idek - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

#21346746
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13791) - you deserved it (3756)

On 01/30/2015 at 10:11am - intimacy - by Chemist-why (woman) - United States (California)



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