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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

#21116600
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3169) - you deserved it (2538)

On 04/18/2014 at 6:56pm - misc - by say no to dick (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

#21116585
22 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3485) - you deserved it (309)

On 04/18/2014 at 6:35pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad at a tennis game. I could tell he despised me from the start, but it only got worse when I played him. He smashed the ball at me and I went to hit it, but I missed and fell over, tearing my arm up on the gravel. He had a smirk on his face for the rest of the day. FML

#21116561
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (3287) - you deserved it (288)

On 04/18/2014 at 6:07pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

#21116530
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7471) - you deserved it (10799)

On 04/18/2014 at 5:31pm - kids - by cantprovenothing (woman) - United States (Texas)

NotGabe's comment : The next morning will be interesting...

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Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

#21116391
35 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9687) - you deserved it (2962)

On 04/18/2014 at 2:24pm - animals - by hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

#21116112
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10399) - you deserved it (26572)

On 04/18/2014 at 7:09am - health - by Ow (man) - United States (Arizona)

Immortal_Toaster's comment : That's snot very fun..

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Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

#21116013
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18907) - you deserved it (5791)

On 04/18/2014 at 1:37am - misc - by Fatass - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

#21115891
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23653) - you deserved it (8286)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

lat1404's comment : It's weird that they know when you masturbate

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Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

#21115862
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28532) - you deserved it (2444)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:31pm - kids - by mommy (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

#21115855
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26094) - you deserved it (3095)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:27pm - intimacy - by belljars (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

#21115731
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22016) - you deserved it (1875)

On 04/17/2014 at 7:24pm - money - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

#21115571
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32546) - you deserved it (2667)

On 04/17/2014 at 3:59pm - work - by badessaymyass (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

#21115410
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24403) - you deserved it (6898)

On 04/17/2014 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)



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