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Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

by Aw522 / 05/30/2012 at 7:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

by yeah / 07/17/2015 at 10:59am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

by babysitter / 01/06/2011 at 12:57am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

by ewww / 08/26/2012 at 5:21am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

by homealone / 05/03/2012 at 12:39am / Canada / Love

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2012 at 11:09pm / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2015 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my car got stolen. While I was standing ten feet away from it. FML

by smileytheface / 12/05/2011 at 10:54pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

by poomaster / 11/21/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

by panickygrl / 11/06/2011 at 12:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

by baldspot / 04/02/2012 at 1:38am / Australia / Kids

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

by Moth_Balled / 12/14/2015 at 11:50pm / Australia / Intimacy

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

by NowHomeless / 08/31/2010 at 7:13pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous