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Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

by poomaster / 11/21/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2011 at 11:34am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2015 at 11:26am / Canada (Manitoba) / Kids

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

by Skidmark Sally / 10/07/2012 at 5:41pm / United States (New Mexico) / Kids

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

by Ellencrazee / 08/13/2011 at 6:22am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Animals

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

by Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis / 08/06/2015 at 10:55pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

by Alec / 12/10/2012 at 2:01am / United States / Transportation

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

by Yay..... / 08/17/2010 at 12:21am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2010 at 10:08pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

by not as scarred as he should be / 10/18/2012 at 2:19pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

by Anonymous / 08/06/2012 at 1:03am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my mom asked me why MS Word keeps underlining some words. After I tried to convince her that you're supposed to put a space after commas, she started yelling at me for making her look stupid. I can never win. FML

by millavitsa / 01/03/2013 at 5:36pm / Ukraine / Miscellaneous

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

by shellbom / 11/17/2009 at 4:33pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous