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Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

by not as scarred as he should be / 10/18/2012 at 2:19pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

by poomaster / 11/21/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

by homealone / 05/03/2012 at 12:39am / Canada / Love

Today, I got in trouble for missing my shift. According to my idiot boss, "Crashes don't just happen." FML

by yeah / 07/17/2015 at 10:59am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. My dad and I bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2009 at 2:45pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

by Anonymous / 11/29/2010 at 10:08pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 5:43am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

by friskeyk14 / 10/04/2011 at 3:04am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

by dumbbus / 04/01/2015 at 7:24pm / United Kingdom (Stockton-on-Tees) / Transportation

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2011 at 11:34am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

by CA19oo / 03/19/2012 at 9:03pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

by soy_un_perderdor / 12/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

by Alec / 12/10/2012 at 2:01am / United States / Transportation