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Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2010 at 10:20pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2014 at 4:39pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I received another letter of rejection from the university of my dreams. I got it the first time, but thanks for reminding me. FML

by ThreeTimesUnlucky / 10/17/2012 at 2:52pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

by jobless / 01/20/2009 at 11:52am / Love

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

by Charlotte / 01/25/2011 at 9:10am / Intimacy

Today, I had a completely improvised audition for the school play. The director called me and one of the cutest guys auditioning to improvise an intimate scene. Knowing that I'm a complete klutz, I wasn't all that surprised when I tripped over my feet and landed with my face in his crotch. He was. FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2010 at 12:25am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2010 at 4:11am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

by HappyMan / 08/02/2012 at 10:14pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

by BW / 01/03/2010 at 11:04am / United States (South Carolina) / Animals

Today, I found out my girlfriend is a full-on, wants-to-be-banged-by-a-horse furry. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2015 at 6:47am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

by hopeless cluts / 01/29/2012 at 2:36am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2012 at 7:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy